Wednesday, 9 August 2006

I don’t seem to be doing well, writing entries for the blog.

Ever watch Blazing Saddles? I feel a little like Headly (or was that Heady) LaMarre whose mind was ‘corruscating’ with thoughts and idea, but who only ever spoke rubbish. Mind you, sometimes I feel more like Mungo – it’s a lot easier to play the strong and silent type.

It’s curious how one can be so wrapped up in your own feelings that you fail to notice what is going on with others, especially those close to you. When I got back from Canada I felt different, more determined, happier even. Chris had a desperate time the first week or 2, and because she didn’t want to spread the misery, managed to keep it from me. Nuts.

The last couple of weeks have had their challenges over Sarah. Weekend before last we were at a house warming, having already been to a wedding earlier that day. There was a lass I knew from Oxford there who asked me a question quite innocently relating to parenthood. I just folded up inside, couldn’t really answer properly at all – couldn’t even speak.

*one day after writing the above*

This morning was actually rather grim. Maybe it was tiredness catching up. Maybe just the natural down through being half way through the week. Maybe because Ben’s away for the next couple of weeks at Soul survivor.

Whatever, I just kept remembering Sarah, had all the feelings back of NOT having my own daughter (I love our borrowed ones, but it’s different for both them and me) and feeling like the future has been taken away again. Back to work with all it’s need to press on, people having unhelpful rants and having to listen so that others can drain their annoyance caused by those that should be their colleagues and helpers. At least it pushes my problems out of the way while I try to get on with stuff.

BTW I broke my rule about not using the net during work (this is lunchtime) as I needed to check if Paul (see wedding pics below) was riding tonight.

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