Tuesday 30 November 2004

Blobby blobby blobby.

Is how I feel.

182lb (13 stone in olde English, 81Kg in foreign) for 5'10".

It's the heaviest I've ever been and I'm not happy about it, but I like my food, and I'm not getting enough exercise.

Back on the bike to ride to work this morning. I really need to get out and do some bigger rides. Mar 2003 I did a 100Km off roader round the chilterns, and darned knackering it was too. The way I am this morning 10K would be hard.

I really find there's a trade-off between my fitness level and how well I work here though. The fitter I am, the more stupid my brain is, and the less mentally agile I become. Concentration just dances around, and it's nearly impossible to focus firmly on anything. Trying to hold a meaningful conversation with people I don't know is also really hard; the brain stays blank when it should be finding new threads for exploration. I come across as stupid and slow, which is half right in these circumstances.

The other side of losing fitness from a peak is depression. If I get fit, then stop I get dark, dark mood swings. It's not as bad as it used to be, but then I'm not super-fit like I was when I raced as a teenager. I stopped cycling for a while at 16 and and came pretty close to suicide, although it was a good opportunity for God to break in. Probably would have done if He hadn't.

Another dilemma then: fat and unwell or slim, stupid and moody?

Which would you choose?

Friday 26 November 2004


I've been doing a production process this week that involves lots of standing up and walking short distances, repeating 600+ times. This morning we pouched the product into moisture proof pouches using a heat sealing tool that requires squeezing hard. I now have sore knees, stiff legs, sore and uncomfy hands and a headache from the drone of the dehumidifier.

Bushed, and not dubyah either.

Sorry I've not been around much. The bog was less of a conversation (with the exception of a Randall and Linea) and more me writing things as they popped into my head. I've been having more conversations elsewhere recently, and in turn this has meant I've had less to put on the blog. Or maybe I just need time off again?

Thursday 18 November 2004

Until 3 days ago

This kitchen was relatively clean, warm and comfy.

It will be again, hopefully by the weekend. The guys *should* be finished this afternoon, but who knows? I hope so, because the weather is due to change tonight, and become cold.

Wednesday 17 November 2004

Madness and dirt here

This week we're having the water jacket replaced in our rayburn (oil fired kitchen range that heats the house). Everywhere is sooty and the living room is full of the stuff from the kitchen and hall. What was mooted as a two, possibly one day job that should have been done in June/July has turned into a 3 day (so far) job in mid November. By the grace of God it isn't especially cold at least: 10'C - almost a summer's day in Prince Albert ;)

I may take some 'during and after' pics if I can find the energy and enthusiasm. Poor Chris has a rotten cold, and has been scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees this evening. I just feel bushed and lethargic, courtesy of a busy day at work and circuit training this evening.

Wednesday 10 November 2004

Cycled to work this morning

for the second day in a row. It was colder and clear this time, rather than overcast and damp like yesterday, yet I'm significantly warmer - perspiring even, when this time yesterday I was quite comfy. Maybe things are loosening up, after a few weeks off the bike. I certainly pushed a higher gear most of the way here. My legs felt happier, but my bottom didn't approve of the saddle and the arches in my feet (alweays a weak point) complained bitterly too. They'll complain even more tonight - I've got circuits again, and they get very upset doing that!

Monday 8 November 2004

A passion for the King

was the title given for Sunday - a whole day together with all the Oxfordshire community churches at the King's centre in Oxford.

The thrust was all about having such a passion and what to do with it. Things started with worship before moving into a kind of illustrated message. Then there were seminars before and after lunch, rounding off with a worship time at the end.

Chris and I went to seperate seminars, since we have different interests: she was certainly inspired by what she heard. For me it was a time of stimulation and reviewing things. It's hard to hear new teaching when you've been involved in the church for a long time, yet things can be explained in a way that you haven't understood before. I went to a seminar on 'crossing cultures'. I've been talking a little more about our possible calling to Italy (still not sure why some people laugh - unless they think it's all sunny beaches, vineyards and pasta - the cruelest empire that ever arose came from Italy). Afterward we spoke with Alec and Pauline Watts - a couple in their 60s that are about to move to Estonia to either support an existing church or plant a new one. Chris says she has faith for us moving as big as a 1cm gap between her fingers. It's interesting how this is unfolding - I felt God first speak about this one rain-drenched afternoon in Harrowgate about 5 years ago. I doubt it will happen for at least another 5 years, maybe more.

Funny stories abounded too. There's a couple - Neil and Dee - that we know reasonably well (I used to work with Dee) who recently returned from 2 years at Montargis in France. Neil was saying how the French consider the English hypocrites because they are too nice to speak the truth. He started to disagree after he'd been told his French was bad 3 times in 2 days (harsh, since Neil grew up speaking French in Belgium). Also how everyone is scared to invite people round for dinner because everything must be PERFECT. You have to have the right cutlery, correct wines, and the courses in the right order. And the ordeer for the courses varies according to which region of France you or your guests are from. Apparently this is a major source of fear, and many people won't have dinner guests because it would be too embarassing to make a mistake. Makes me glad to live in England sometimes.

In the afternoon I went to the songwriting workshop. Another area I need to re-start in my life. I know there's stuff bubbling under the surface, but there are issues I struggle with (particularly my poor singing). Again, it was good to have things put into a fresh perspective. Also interesting to hear from some people. One of the guys - Andy Neave - has been a pro musician for 20 years, working as a musician who is a christian i.e. writing music for secular use. He was suggesting now is a bad time to try to get signed with a big label, but it's a good time to start out independantly.

All this self sacrifice etc was interesting in view of what was in this mornings papers - someone committing suicide by placing their car on a railway line. Although they died, 7 others did also. The contrast between those that would give up their lives for others and those that don't care how many they hurt has seldom been made more plain to me.

Thursday 4 November 2004

Chris's mum.

Thanks to everyone who's prayed.

Chris's mum has been re-diagnosed as having low blood pressure. That may explain why she fell over whenever she got out of bed, although whenever checked at the hospital her BP was normal.

I'm not completely convinced, but the attacks seem to have stopped so I'll go with it for now.

Wednesday 3 November 2004

Never thought I'd see the day.

when I could no longer see a point in debate with other christians. That time has come.

Never thought I'd see the day.

When I really couldn't feel united with other Christians.

There's a forum I'll not name, with some great brothers there. And there are some that belong to their country and party first and Jesus second. There are worse things they could support, I guess, but it's a deeply frightening thing to behold. It's the same kind of faith that would enable deeply committed catholics to burn protestants at the stake, and (I'm being generous here) enable Martin Luther to murder anabaptists.

Time to move on, before I say something I'll regret.

Monday 1 November 2004

Sorry things have been lean recently

But they may get a little leaner yet.

I'm finding that I'm spending too much time on the internet, chatting on forums. When I'm not doing that I'm focussing on my guitars and things to do with equipment, again on the net. It's affecting my work and my walk with God. It's also been a time of struggles and temptation, and I've not come through flawless there either.

So I'll be trying to take a break.

That doesn't mean I'll stop posting altogether, or stop reading your blogs. But I really need to change priorities, and my main priority recently has been entertaining myself. Not good and not cool. I need to stop it now, and by the grace of God, that's what I'll try to do. Internet addiction is a little strong for it, but only just.