Blog thoughts while at work. Pt 1

Most bizarre song recently heard – Sandi Thom “I wish I was a punk rocker”. I’m not sure if this is meant to be ironic or just plain wishful/wistful thinking? I lived through those days of punk – she’d have been covered in phlegm and other less pleasant things singing like that at a real punk gig. It’s SO unreal it’s almost funny. Punk seems to have collected a lot of nostalgia – degradation and self destruction apparently look good in retrospect.

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I’m in the second day of breaking away from work-day internet use. Not been too bad really although I do keep thinking “I wonder what XXXX is doing/what’s happening on ebay/just time for a quick look at www.????.com”.

There are already benefits.

People that want to talk to me aren’t automatically a nuisance when I want to surf and sociability has been increased. There’s less dragging at my thoughts too, so that concentrating on work issues is easier. And finally there’s no longer an issue of ‘just another 2 mins looking here’.

Which ties in with my next point. Recovery IS happening.


It’s been a long year in limbo.

All my energy and determination to get on just evaporated after the accident. I was *at work* but not really present. Some days I’d be somewhat productive and some days I’d just be there, reacting to whatever caught my attention. Guilt became an all-enveloping cloud, as I knew I wasn’t pulling my weight (I’m still not, yet). I had the knowledge, the skills, but no motivation.

Drive IS returning, but it’s a slow climb back up.

And after those first couple of months where God was so present and so essential to just going on day to day, as daily dependency reduced, so did focus on Him. I have very much become the centre of my life, and that’s another battle that is still being fought too. Trying to serve Toni has become an automatic thing to do, and as you’d expect, the more I serve myself, the less satisfied I’ve become. So another circle of dependence to break.

Last week God spoke to me like He used to. It wasn’t a ‘there there’ word, not a word of comfort, not a burst of sudden insight into some situation. It was an “I know you want to do this but I want you to do that” word.

There’ll never be a time here when “it’s all fine” but there is recovery. Not here yet, but it’s coming.