Processing processing.

I’m processing stuff from the men’s group this morning. There was a discussion about various sins and the need for purity. The obvious male areas – sexual immorality – was touched on of course, and also less obviously, idolatry.

I’m having to go back and ask myself about this area. A big deal for me still is the whole issue of guitars, music, worship and my almost complete barring from this area. When I can take hold of it in faith I’ll trust that it’s God who has blocked me from this, though there are certainly times when I’m pretty sure he’s being given a human helping hand. But I’ve had to go back repeatedly and ask myself why: was my worship and playing in worship all about me?

I know it was both for God and for myself: there was no way I could have played week after week, year after year if it wasn’t something I found personally rewarding. I’ve been talking recently with someone who has found themselves in a somewhat similar position to the one I had, but instead of finding it a joy, for them it is a drain. Yes, I DID love doing it, but I loved that I was I was moving in the Spirit too, and not just playing a show. I’ve played a show since and it’s a hollow experience.

Over the last 10 years, maybe more I’ve probably spent more time talking, thinking playing and enjoying guitars and worship than anything else outside work, and church. It’s been my hobby and place of expertise. Maybe it has become too significant and has got to go: I dunno. Despite my natural acquisitiveness there’s a side that is now saying “let’s flog the lot and walk away”. It would be easier in some ways, as it’s certainly not a source of joy for anyone right now and would free up space in the house. Actually thinking things through, it’s a lot like having been married 30 years for your wife to turn round and say “I’m sorry darling, but we can’t have proper sex any more: all we can do now is cuddle a bit”. Good worship is a lot like sex (God always seems to recycle patterns, and His descriptions of the church as the Bride of Christ are likely a lot less allegorical than we think: but that’s another blog post).

Maybe my time is done. Or maybe I just haven’t got things in proportion. Or maybe I just need to go through another year of testing to not learn what I didn’t learn the last time I went through a year of testing. Chris and I talked about this a bit this morning. She wondered whether I’ve been forced to drop it so that it doesn’t become an idol. Makes me wonder, is one allowed to have a life outside of church meetings and works?

Me? Nah, I’m not in a great place either, but hey ho.

Life IS naturally unsettled. Some time back I remember hearing about the various areas of one’s life: work, family, faith, friends, hobbies that we relied on for stability. Take one away and normally you’d cope. Take 2 away and things become MUCH more difficult. We’ve had 2 of those shaken, and in my case probably 3. No doubt this is good training – IF I survive it. We were too comfy to be challenged at BCC, so we’ve been put somewhere we are stressed. And I’ve certainly made mistakes (playing back some conversations in my head hasn’t been great).

I realised this morning too that I still haven’t developed relationships with any real depth to them. I still don’t trust people and don’t really know what they’ll do.

Guess tomorrow is another day.