Hi – my name’s Toni

I’m 45
Father of 2
I like Indian style food
Play guitar (badly)
God talks to me

None of those things are unusual in this day and age.

But seriously.

The last few weeks I’ve been very much aware that something has been happening inside. As Chris can tell you, I’m not the ‘examine my own navel internal inspection what emotions have I felt today and how do I feel right now’ kind of guy. I don’t do touchy-feely stuff really: much more kind of ‘pass the spanners and hammer’ sort of chap.

What’s he mythering on about then?

But like I said, something has been happening inside, and I’m not so totally insensitive that I can’t feel it. There have been more tears than is normal (almost any, that would be) and a sense of *sensibilities and focus* (the best word I can find) shifting and altering.

Our week with Martin and Jenny in France has actually brought things to a greater degree of clarity. Much of the time we were just resting, being and getting energy back (I slept 8+ hours per night for the first 4 nights) and this was probably preparation for later on. Sunday we went to church with them, and throughout the meeting I was aware of Gods spirit at work inside again. I was able to bring a word of encouragement, but apart from those few minutes (it felt like God gave me a little breathing space to say what needed to be said) more or less all I wanted to do was pray and weep a bit.

The overwhelming sense of this is a call from God.

Whenever the idea of God calling is mentioned I have a movie flashback to the Blues Brothers, but it’s not really like that – much more an increasing sense of purpose and *some* direction. Chris and I talked about this in the airport while queuing for the plane, and she feels somewhat similarly. She also has an interesting story to tell of people she met on the flight, but that’s for her to post. We both feel like we’re about to enter a new phase, and all this is part of the preparation and setting apart.

Now ‘for what’ is a very good question, and I’m not at all sure I yet know the answer. There have been plenty of things that have swum across my sites in the last couple of months: Youth mission, house group leadership, church planting, Banbury, moving overseas (Italy has been floating around since ‘89). I don’t KNOW right now. There’s a sense of calling, no question at all, but where it’s leading yet I can’t see.

But it’s more than a feeling – I have changed.

Back to the lab and the office on Monday. Same old, same old. Same issues, hassles, habits and sins.

Something came up – I reacted like I always did, but this time I SAW myself and was horrified. Went out to the lab – the challenge to work after a long break came up and I struggled, struggled with getting moving again when all I wanted to do was take time to gently get up to speed. Someone talked to me about certain things and I didn’t want to listen or take an interest in what they were saying. Everything was highlighted to me in a way I’d not seen before – made my failings really obvious. After the previous day I was starting to wonder what I heard – had I been kidding myself?

I really felt God say “this is how you are, these are the things you need to deal with before you’re ready for the next step”. So here I am, trying to work through stuff. If I’m therefore snappy, difficult or lazy it’s just God taking His grace away from me, OK? All part of me learning to be a better person. So just enjoy it while I’m grumpy – after all, it could be YOU instead!

Wonder where we’ll end up?