I seem to be caught schizophrenically between a rock and a hard place.
In my years of working in this area I have developed into 2 separate Toni’s.
Number 1 is Dr. Research mode: fast, messy and creative. I can run large multivariate experiments using lots of variables, all in an untidy and cluttered environment, and with great speed and accuracy.
Number 2 is Mr. GMP mode: careful, tidy and methodical. I perform line clearance before starting, proceed carefully through a detailed method following every step and only do one single operation at a time.
Like I said – schizophrenic – these 2 ways of working are poles apart, quite contradictory and very highly incompatible.
My present job increasingly needs me to marry these 2 sides of my work ‘character’.
We are literally starting to validate a new product (beginning next week). Validation requires time, materials, resources. I have *some* of all of them, but not enough. Validation also requires things to be worked through in a very precise and careful, painstaking fashion to be meaningful. However the truth of it is that we’ve had the product to actually work with from the lab that did feasibility since the end of Jan this year, and there’s only been time for a single shot at making it into a form that can be put in a box and sold to the outside world, and it’s not 100% solid. Yet.
Now the No.1 side of me says “oh heck, just re-formulate – it’ll be fine – you KNOW what works”. The other side of me is saying “ but you haven’t tested THAT formulation, and you don’t even know how many kits you’ll need for sample value studies, or how you’re going to calibrate the standards that you haven’t made yet”.
The danger is that when I do this schizo thing, my brain just shuts down and says ‘go play – you’re bored here and should find something else to do’.
I really need to find the middle ground – where I can develop and move forward fast, while providing all the evidence and supporting data needed to let the product go forward. My tendency is to slide off into one side or the other, usually the Dr. Research mode because that’s more fun and gets things done MUCH faster.
Fortunately a little adrenaline goes a long way. It’s amazing how you can force yourself to write a document when you REALLY have to. I’ve given up living off stress and anger (want to be really productive – learn how to focus anger) as it spills over into home life. But sometimes one just needs to kick ones own butt a little, and I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.
Wrote this yesterday while at work. I really could do with spending my weekend writing documents, but instead I'm going to work in the garden and have church here in our house tomorrow.
Saturday, 5 April 2008
Friday, 4 April 2008
Are we willing to be unattractive for the sake of the gospel?
BTW I know I'm something of a snob, and I don't have problems with that.
Tuesday night as part of this discipleship course we had a talk from someone that has truly pioneered a church in a difficult area of Oxford. It’s a council estate, full of poverty and unemployment, and most especially, full of the side of current culture that makes me glad not to live there.
He moved there about 5 years ago, as a youngish guy with his wife, and started getting to know people. He became *like* them.
This was brought home to me when he was talking about winners and losers. The characters referred to were football managers – not people I would see as admirable in any way.
I’ve been turning this over and over in my head since then. Why would someone of reasonable intelligence accept ‘sun-newspaper’ culture and actually make it their own – at least where it did not clash with un-negotiable Christian values.
I think I know.
There’s a tension within my feelings about this. It’s easy to think that he’s got it nice – cultural values of beer and footie, everyone has a particular accent and way of delivering ideas – cushy number for a younger guy. But he’s actually identified himself with those we (both society and me – I’m guilty too) would see as contemptible, as worthless unless they change. Instead of doing the impossible for the unwilling (trying to get them to ‘come up to my level’) he’s gone in there and down to theirs.
And some ARE rising up.
It’s good and it’s challenging. It’s not comfy, but comfy is for those insulated and ineffective.
If I were to try to do what he’s done there, could I succeed? Absolutely not. I don’t have the right interests, accent or thought processes. But I admire the way he’s “made himself nothing” to do what he’s doing, and to walk in integrity with it.
These days I sound like a product of the culture I’m surrounded by, even if I don’t entirely think and behave like that culture. I wonder where I need to become nothing to make a difference?
More challenges.
Tuesday night as part of this discipleship course we had a talk from someone that has truly pioneered a church in a difficult area of Oxford. It’s a council estate, full of poverty and unemployment, and most especially, full of the side of current culture that makes me glad not to live there.
He moved there about 5 years ago, as a youngish guy with his wife, and started getting to know people. He became *like* them.
This was brought home to me when he was talking about winners and losers. The characters referred to were football managers – not people I would see as admirable in any way.
I’ve been turning this over and over in my head since then. Why would someone of reasonable intelligence accept ‘sun-newspaper’ culture and actually make it their own – at least where it did not clash with un-negotiable Christian values.
I think I know.
There’s a tension within my feelings about this. It’s easy to think that he’s got it nice – cultural values of beer and footie, everyone has a particular accent and way of delivering ideas – cushy number for a younger guy. But he’s actually identified himself with those we (both society and me – I’m guilty too) would see as contemptible, as worthless unless they change. Instead of doing the impossible for the unwilling (trying to get them to ‘come up to my level’) he’s gone in there and down to theirs.
And some ARE rising up.
It’s good and it’s challenging. It’s not comfy, but comfy is for those insulated and ineffective.
If I were to try to do what he’s done there, could I succeed? Absolutely not. I don’t have the right interests, accent or thought processes. But I admire the way he’s “made himself nothing” to do what he’s doing, and to walk in integrity with it.
These days I sound like a product of the culture I’m surrounded by, even if I don’t entirely think and behave like that culture. I wonder where I need to become nothing to make a difference?
More challenges.
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Can you get 'prayer fatigue'?
One of the things I've been finding in this weeks episode of the Toni show is that praying isn't easy.
I called a friend tonight, Mark, and we talked about stuff we're working through. I've never been one of the amazingly spiritual people who will always remember that the answer is to pray - I'm much more likely to try to work my way through stuff in some practical fashion. and I've a suspicion this is the right thing to often do.
But there are times prayer doesn't come easily and I hate to hear myself speaking cliches and regurgitated phrases.
Now a part of it is definitely that we're busy at work, and because there are so many balls in the air I'm finding clear headspace difficult. Sure there are times when I'm empty-headed, but that's not the same as being in a place of quiet and waiting. And for me, prayer was never right as a list of needs and wants (even for other peoples benefit) or recitation of a list of trite 'worship' phrases.
So I can see there's a place I need to enter, but haven't quite accessed it yet. Tomorrow, my mind being what it is, this mysterious place will have slipped away and life will carry on as normal. Probably.
I called a friend tonight, Mark, and we talked about stuff we're working through. I've never been one of the amazingly spiritual people who will always remember that the answer is to pray - I'm much more likely to try to work my way through stuff in some practical fashion. and I've a suspicion this is the right thing to often do.
But there are times prayer doesn't come easily and I hate to hear myself speaking cliches and regurgitated phrases.
Now a part of it is definitely that we're busy at work, and because there are so many balls in the air I'm finding clear headspace difficult. Sure there are times when I'm empty-headed, but that's not the same as being in a place of quiet and waiting. And for me, prayer was never right as a list of needs and wants (even for other peoples benefit) or recitation of a list of trite 'worship' phrases.
So I can see there's a place I need to enter, but haven't quite accessed it yet. Tomorrow, my mind being what it is, this mysterious place will have slipped away and life will carry on as normal. Probably.
How much hypocrisy do we need?
Nearly everyone in the UK must by now have heard about Max Mosely, chairman of the body that manages F1 (the FIA) being filmed acting out a Nazi prison camp scenario with 5 prostitutes. Somewhat unfortunate, in view of his history and childhood nazi links.
Not great or clever.
However it appears that the world is up in arms about it.
From the little I know of it, this *kind* of imagery has been a staple of the porn industry for years. I know such films have been made because I’ve seen advertisements for them. While the man is in a senior position within the formula 1 world, this behaviour does not seem any more at odds with his position any more than ordinary people having affairs or visiting prostitutes while married. Which is clearly not unusual, if not common in some circles. No-one apparently bats an eye at net porn outside a work context, with people doing much less pleasant things to each other than in this situation.
I am quite sure that the journalists that have blown this up in the face of the world are fully as sordid as the man himself, yet no-one ever questions their integrity over publishing such details. Of course people are interested and of course they will buy papers – this will give a substantial number a sexual thrill thinking about the carefully almost-described goings on. I wonder if any of those who wish they’d been able to watch would ever think of themselves at least as guilty as the man that made their pleasure possible?
How truly foul and guilty are people in ways that they do not even see?
I don't especially agree with this comment in the Times either, but at least they seem able to think a little more rationally about the whole sordid business.
Not great or clever.
However it appears that the world is up in arms about it.
From the little I know of it, this *kind* of imagery has been a staple of the porn industry for years. I know such films have been made because I’ve seen advertisements for them. While the man is in a senior position within the formula 1 world, this behaviour does not seem any more at odds with his position any more than ordinary people having affairs or visiting prostitutes while married. Which is clearly not unusual, if not common in some circles. No-one apparently bats an eye at net porn outside a work context, with people doing much less pleasant things to each other than in this situation.
I am quite sure that the journalists that have blown this up in the face of the world are fully as sordid as the man himself, yet no-one ever questions their integrity over publishing such details. Of course people are interested and of course they will buy papers – this will give a substantial number a sexual thrill thinking about the carefully almost-described goings on. I wonder if any of those who wish they’d been able to watch would ever think of themselves at least as guilty as the man that made their pleasure possible?
How truly foul and guilty are people in ways that they do not even see?
I don't especially agree with this comment in the Times either, but at least they seem able to think a little more rationally about the whole sordid business.
Sunday, 30 March 2008
Have you ever noticed how clothing disappears?
Y'know, you lose a favourite item?
Well I've had clothing appear.
That's right, a pair of 32" waist jeans have found their way into my wardrobe!
They fit perfectly, but I'd SWEAR I never bought them as they aren't the kind I buy. Frayed areas, that slightly yellowed wash effect, hipster styling (with short fly that makes standing for the loo VERY hazardous).
I've racked my brains and can't remember every buying these. Ben is certain they aren't his (he still take 28" waist) and they are not Chris's. We're all stumped, but I'm wearing them now and they're fine. Call them my miracle jeans!
Well I've had clothing appear.
That's right, a pair of 32" waist jeans have found their way into my wardrobe!
They fit perfectly, but I'd SWEAR I never bought them as they aren't the kind I buy. Frayed areas, that slightly yellowed wash effect, hipster styling (with short fly that makes standing for the loo VERY hazardous).
I've racked my brains and can't remember every buying these. Ben is certain they aren't his (he still take 28" waist) and they are not Chris's. We're all stumped, but I'm wearing them now and they're fine. Call them my miracle jeans!
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Has someone seen my weekend?
If so, could they please tell me where is it as I seem to have mislaid it.
That went FAR too fast.
That went FAR too fast.
Friday, 21 March 2008
The snow has arrived.
Just looked out of our livingroom window and it's drifting down very happily out there.
Just saw a gritter drive past - wonder if I'll get to the prayer meeting tomorrow morning?
Just saw a gritter drive past - wonder if I'll get to the prayer meeting tomorrow morning?
Thursday, 20 March 2008
What does discipleship mean to you?
For some people it apparently means drudgery. For those who did some of the early Oxfordshire community churches discipleship courses it apparently means being put through artificial hardship, to the point of dreading the word. To some it apparently means discipline along the lines of punishment.
As a church we've started a period of 'discipleship' using OCC generated material. The first session in the 6 week course started Tuesday night, and so far I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing for 2 reasons. The first of these is that the course material is designed with the potential to push people quite hard in terms of the time and effort required to cover all the sections, with books to read (we don't have any) tapes to listen to (ditto) required exercise, essays, abstinence, fasting, bible reading and separate prayer sessions. None of this is bad, but in order to not make the entry bar too high it all feels a bit optional, to the point where I'm having to either own it for my self or just treat the next few weeks as a holiday from leading the house group.
The second issue is my perception of true discipleship. This means spending time with someone who is a mature Christian, working alongside, learning from them, being open with them, letting them speak into my life and confessing issues and problems to them. In this light you can see that the above course is a pale shadow of the potential for growth. Yes, it will stretch people, but in a cold and detached fashion. Of course being put through the mill and pushed to the end of one's tether is all part of the normal Christian walk and experience, but anyone that has raised a family while involved in church leadership will recognise that little short of concentration-camp conditions could push you harder than that.
So what to do?
I was turning this over before God in the kitchen a few days ago. I really felt quite clearly that I needed to buy into the whole thing, set goals and so on, regardless of whether they were required by the course. So I've given up Harmony Central for the next 5 weeks, which IS already leaving a big hole - these are my friends as well as an area of interest. I'm also happy with the fasting, bible reading etc and preparing essays and so on (don't expect them to appear here though - I hate fake blogs that are nothing but bible studies). TBH if I find this difficult I shall be quite disappointed in myself, as most of it is pretty much what I expect as normal lifestyle, but just more compacted., and I'm no 'super-christian'.
One interesting/amusing aspect of this is that a very good friend who is also on the same course is fully as cynical about these things as I am (and sees the artificial hardship with fully as much contempt). In the questionnaire that was filled out before starting was the question "why are you doing the course?". We both wrote almost identically "Because this is a church activity, and we support what the church is doing". I find it great to be with someone as BS free, but we'll need to watch that we don't get sucked into too much cynicism.
Right. Work.
As a church we've started a period of 'discipleship' using OCC generated material. The first session in the 6 week course started Tuesday night, and so far I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing for 2 reasons. The first of these is that the course material is designed with the potential to push people quite hard in terms of the time and effort required to cover all the sections, with books to read (we don't have any) tapes to listen to (ditto) required exercise, essays, abstinence, fasting, bible reading and separate prayer sessions. None of this is bad, but in order to not make the entry bar too high it all feels a bit optional, to the point where I'm having to either own it for my self or just treat the next few weeks as a holiday from leading the house group.
The second issue is my perception of true discipleship. This means spending time with someone who is a mature Christian, working alongside, learning from them, being open with them, letting them speak into my life and confessing issues and problems to them. In this light you can see that the above course is a pale shadow of the potential for growth. Yes, it will stretch people, but in a cold and detached fashion. Of course being put through the mill and pushed to the end of one's tether is all part of the normal Christian walk and experience, but anyone that has raised a family while involved in church leadership will recognise that little short of concentration-camp conditions could push you harder than that.
So what to do?
I was turning this over before God in the kitchen a few days ago. I really felt quite clearly that I needed to buy into the whole thing, set goals and so on, regardless of whether they were required by the course. So I've given up Harmony Central for the next 5 weeks, which IS already leaving a big hole - these are my friends as well as an area of interest. I'm also happy with the fasting, bible reading etc and preparing essays and so on (don't expect them to appear here though - I hate fake blogs that are nothing but bible studies). TBH if I find this difficult I shall be quite disappointed in myself, as most of it is pretty much what I expect as normal lifestyle, but just more compacted., and I'm no 'super-christian'.
One interesting/amusing aspect of this is that a very good friend who is also on the same course is fully as cynical about these things as I am (and sees the artificial hardship with fully as much contempt). In the questionnaire that was filled out before starting was the question "why are you doing the course?". We both wrote almost identically "Because this is a church activity, and we support what the church is doing". I find it great to be with someone as BS free, but we'll need to watch that we don't get sucked into too much cynicism.
Right. Work.
Friday, 14 March 2008
Chris awoke
with a migraine this morning.
I've been headachy and icky feeling all morning, even after lunch.
Tomorrow is the weekend.
I've been headachy and icky feeling all morning, even after lunch.
Tomorrow is the weekend.
Monday, 10 March 2008
Madness is not just having a different perspective.
I just listened to an amazing and peculiar conversation on Radio 4 this morning while driving to work.
A deaf man was arguing with the presenter, through the aid of an interpreter, that deafness was not a disability. The context was about comments made in parliament about the selection of embryos for IVF, and choosing to not select embryos that would result in deaf people. His perspective was that because deaf people were recognised as being equal to hearing people and the deaf association had determined that deafness was not a disability, the parliamentary speaker therefore wished all deaf people killed before birth. He argued that by the same token if deaf people were disabled, so should black and homosexual people be considered disabled, hospitalised and cured.
It was a brilliant piece of incredibly flawed logic. While it is possible to see the point he made, there was true un-sanity behind it. There is wonder to be seen in the way that humans can compensate and work around deficiencies. Yet to refuse to recognise a deficiency in defiance of all evidence has to be madness.
Doesn’t it?
*edit*
It would seem I wasn't the only one that picked up on the interview. Daniel Finkelstein wrote this article for the times newspaper, published today.
A deaf man was arguing with the presenter, through the aid of an interpreter, that deafness was not a disability. The context was about comments made in parliament about the selection of embryos for IVF, and choosing to not select embryos that would result in deaf people. His perspective was that because deaf people were recognised as being equal to hearing people and the deaf association had determined that deafness was not a disability, the parliamentary speaker therefore wished all deaf people killed before birth. He argued that by the same token if deaf people were disabled, so should black and homosexual people be considered disabled, hospitalised and cured.
It was a brilliant piece of incredibly flawed logic. While it is possible to see the point he made, there was true un-sanity behind it. There is wonder to be seen in the way that humans can compensate and work around deficiencies. Yet to refuse to recognise a deficiency in defiance of all evidence has to be madness.
Doesn’t it?
*edit*
It would seem I wasn't the only one that picked up on the interview. Daniel Finkelstein wrote this article for the times newspaper, published today.
Sunday, 9 March 2008
Saturday, 8 March 2008
It's nearly a week since I last posted here.
Looks like my mum will be coming out of hospital today, after 5 weeks+.
With our natural sense of good timing we're away this W/E, but my brother & SiL will be looking after her today and tonight. Not completely sure how I feel about this - there's a certain sense of 'we might need the bed, isn't it amazing how you're suddenly able to leave' but that might just be my nasty cynical head. I really hope she IS ready to go.
*edit*
Chris has just walked past and told me that she thinks it's because they were concerned about her depression in hospital, and thought she would do better being at home.
Thanks for all the prayers. I get the feeling that this is just the next stage, rather than a fix, but we'll see.
With our natural sense of good timing we're away this W/E, but my brother & SiL will be looking after her today and tonight. Not completely sure how I feel about this - there's a certain sense of 'we might need the bed, isn't it amazing how you're suddenly able to leave' but that might just be my nasty cynical head. I really hope she IS ready to go.
*edit*
Chris has just walked past and told me that she thinks it's because they were concerned about her depression in hospital, and thought she would do better being at home.
Thanks for all the prayers. I get the feeling that this is just the next stage, rather than a fix, but we'll see.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Sunday, 2 March 2008
Public information post
We're still here.
Surprise.
My mum has been doing rather better the last few days. The cyclosporin caused serious nausea problems but that was partially relieved with IV anti-emetics. It's now >4 weeks since she went in, and it's good to see her bored because until recently she was too ill to notice.
As for us, Chris has had a nasty cold that has now been passed to me as she is recovering. This morning I'm reminded again that she has a SEVERE issue with cocoa solids, and that the tiny piece of chocolate gateaux I gave her last night at Luke and Hayley's engagement party is probably responsible for the migraine that's made her throw up this morning. Oops.
I'm trying to tab out couple of songs for worship this afternoon. The first one seemed easy, but the second isn't my thing at all, and the cold has sucked away my musical ear so I've now got a headache. The more I listen, the less I think everyone will be able to sing it, but nothing ventured etc.
Had my break, better get back to it.
Surprise.
My mum has been doing rather better the last few days. The cyclosporin caused serious nausea problems but that was partially relieved with IV anti-emetics. It's now >4 weeks since she went in, and it's good to see her bored because until recently she was too ill to notice.
As for us, Chris has had a nasty cold that has now been passed to me as she is recovering. This morning I'm reminded again that she has a SEVERE issue with cocoa solids, and that the tiny piece of chocolate gateaux I gave her last night at Luke and Hayley's engagement party is probably responsible for the migraine that's made her throw up this morning. Oops.
I'm trying to tab out couple of songs for worship this afternoon. The first one seemed easy, but the second isn't my thing at all, and the cold has sucked away my musical ear so I've now got a headache. The more I listen, the less I think everyone will be able to sing it, but nothing ventured etc.
Had my break, better get back to it.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Never mind the San Andreas fault line
We just had an earthquake here.
I woke Chris up (I have been shopping and was about to go to bed). It also woke Kita in Banbury 10 miles away, and she called me a couple of minutes ago to see if we'd felt it too.
I almost ignored it. We used to get goods trains going past on the main line about 400 yards away. the biggest of them would be up to 40 coal wagons long, and would make the house shake like that too. However there is no railway line that close to Kita's place so it MUST have been a quake. Weird.
More details on the BBC website.
I woke Chris up (I have been shopping and was about to go to bed). It also woke Kita in Banbury 10 miles away, and she called me a couple of minutes ago to see if we'd felt it too.
I almost ignored it. We used to get goods trains going past on the main line about 400 yards away. the biggest of them would be up to 40 coal wagons long, and would make the house shake like that too. However there is no railway line that close to Kita's place so it MUST have been a quake. Weird.
More details on the BBC website.
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
To those who keep up with things through the blog
Chris wrote:
Having said yesterday that Mum was at long last getting better, she has taken another turn for the worse. They finally concluded that the continuing diarrhea was a result of the colitis, not the antibiotics, so they have put her on a new drug, cyclosporin, to treat the colitis.
This is a powerful drug used when people have transplants to help prevent rejection, & unfortunately it has rather a lot of side effects. Chief among these is nausea & Mum is having real trouble eating. Her appetite did seem to improve towards the end of last week, but this has knocked her right back again, & the hospital food isn't helping. They have been giving her anti nausea drugs, but these seem to be administered haphazardly, for example they gave her one this evening after she had been sick, rather than timing it so she had one before the evening meal was served in the hope that she would be able to eat some! The doctors have suggested that family bring food in as she is now so repulsed by hospital food, but when Toni took her a sandwich, at her request, she couldn't face even that.
She is also tired, headachy & feeling bloated, so more prayer is needed I'm afraid, most especially for Irene, but if you can spare some for us & Pete & Alison, Toni's brother & wife, that wouldn't go amiss either!
Thanks all, Love Chris
Having said yesterday that Mum was at long last getting better, she has taken another turn for the worse. They finally concluded that the continuing diarrhea was a result of the colitis, not the antibiotics, so they have put her on a new drug, cyclosporin, to treat the colitis.
This is a powerful drug used when people have transplants to help prevent rejection, & unfortunately it has rather a lot of side effects. Chief among these is nausea & Mum is having real trouble eating. Her appetite did seem to improve towards the end of last week, but this has knocked her right back again, & the hospital food isn't helping. They have been giving her anti nausea drugs, but these seem to be administered haphazardly, for example they gave her one this evening after she had been sick, rather than timing it so she had one before the evening meal was served in the hope that she would be able to eat some! The doctors have suggested that family bring food in as she is now so repulsed by hospital food, but when Toni took her a sandwich, at her request, she couldn't face even that.
She is also tired, headachy & feeling bloated, so more prayer is needed I'm afraid, most especially for Irene, but if you can spare some for us & Pete & Alison, Toni's brother & wife, that wouldn't go amiss either!
Thanks all, Love Chris
Monday, 25 February 2008
Stoopid mistakes not to make #12
This requires some food, preferably with a thick sauce, that has been stored in the fridge, plus a microwave. Heat the food thoroughly to make sure it's heated through. Stir it round to mix. Pop a small sample in your mouth.
Now the mistake.
You wait for the food to cool sufficiently instead of spitting it back out. And keep waiting moving it around so nothing gets burnt. Until you realise it won't cool down. And your tongue now hurts. A lot. A LOT! SPIT.
End of mistake.
Saturday lunchtime is a little spoilt by eating with a sore tongue, ditto dinner.
Sunday morning comes. On waking, your mouth tastes like it's been on a route march through somewhere muddy and then a desert for a week without a wash. You go to the bathroom to try to clear the debris.
Your spit is pink.
Spit again. It's red this time.
Your mouth fills with that slightly salty, slightly ferrous familiar taste that says "I'm bleeding inside". Out comes the tongue, now with a couple of fissures on the top surface from which threads of red are oozing slowly. Put the tongue away, try not to move it much, hope it will clot before you need to spit again. Fail.
Shave.
Wait.
Fail.
Clean shaver head.
Wait.
Eventually you peer again. No more threads of red. Tongue remains unenthusiastic about hot food for remainder of day.
_____________________________________________________________
I have always been VERY careful with microwaved food, and this is the first (and last) time it's happened to me. There's a warning in there, somewhere.
Now the mistake.
You wait for the food to cool sufficiently instead of spitting it back out. And keep waiting moving it around so nothing gets burnt. Until you realise it won't cool down. And your tongue now hurts. A lot. A LOT! SPIT.
End of mistake.
Saturday lunchtime is a little spoilt by eating with a sore tongue, ditto dinner.
Sunday morning comes. On waking, your mouth tastes like it's been on a route march through somewhere muddy and then a desert for a week without a wash. You go to the bathroom to try to clear the debris.
Your spit is pink.
Spit again. It's red this time.
Your mouth fills with that slightly salty, slightly ferrous familiar taste that says "I'm bleeding inside". Out comes the tongue, now with a couple of fissures on the top surface from which threads of red are oozing slowly. Put the tongue away, try not to move it much, hope it will clot before you need to spit again. Fail.
Shave.
Wait.
Fail.
Clean shaver head.
Wait.
Eventually you peer again. No more threads of red. Tongue remains unenthusiastic about hot food for remainder of day.
_____________________________________________________________
I have always been VERY careful with microwaved food, and this is the first (and last) time it's happened to me. There's a warning in there, somewhere.
Friday, 22 February 2008
The very latest release from Hill$ongs
I *think* this is my first ever embedded movie. Probably my last. I have a good friend who often seems to play DVDs of worship sessions that have made me feel quite uncomfy. Now I know why.
BTW this IS meant to be funny, and I don't think is taking a pop specifically at Hillsongs, so much as the church ghetto culture in general. Movie courtesy of Fernando.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Well I'm disappointed to say this.
After my earlier post suggesting my mum was coming home things went downhill rather. She had a few bad days again, and is still very weak. She's now lost 20kg, and although there has been some progress made, she's not at all good. Emotionally she's just had enough fiddling around, and although she's been putting a brave face on things, inside she's really unhappy.
She is, however, not someone who just gives up.
So on we go. Next step if cyclosporin treatment, and when that doesn't work surgery to resect the ulcerated piece of colon. It still feels right that she should live a while longer yet (and I'd be happy to let her go if the time was now) so we keep encouraging her, keep praying and keep trusting. Sometimes I wonder if there's a measure of suffering for each of us, and we need to fill it up before we can die peacefully - but that's just idle, foolish thinking.
Thankyou to Sue and Ian, Jackie and Linder and Naomi who've visited her in hospital. She really appreciated you coming in.
She is, however, not someone who just gives up.
So on we go. Next step if cyclosporin treatment, and when that doesn't work surgery to resect the ulcerated piece of colon. It still feels right that she should live a while longer yet (and I'd be happy to let her go if the time was now) so we keep encouraging her, keep praying and keep trusting. Sometimes I wonder if there's a measure of suffering for each of us, and we need to fill it up before we can die peacefully - but that's just idle, foolish thinking.
Thankyou to Sue and Ian, Jackie and Linder and Naomi who've visited her in hospital. She really appreciated you coming in.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
So a re-request
Please pray for Randall and Lauralea - and for the surgeon that will remove the growth on Laura's thyroid.
This has grown much too fast to be good. Please ask that the operation goes perfectly, that they get every bit, that it hasn't spread anywhere else, and that Laura's voice isn't affected. Please pray for them all as a family through this scary scary time. This bothers me a very great deal.
Operation Thursday, early Sask time. Thank you.
This has grown much too fast to be good. Please ask that the operation goes perfectly, that they get every bit, that it hasn't spread anywhere else, and that Laura's voice isn't affected. Please pray for them all as a family through this scary scary time. This bothers me a very great deal.
Operation Thursday, early Sask time. Thank you.
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
What value, change?
I've been wondering about re-doing the appearance of TBOTAM: after all, it's been a stable environment for nearly 5 years. Personally I don't like blogs to flick between appearances, as it makes them seem flimsy and unstable, disposal and fickle. But after this long I guess I could gently revamp things.
Anyone care? Shall I tweak or would you prefer a bit of stability in an ocean of uncertainty?
Anyone care? Shall I tweak or would you prefer a bit of stability in an ocean of uncertainty?
Update
Chris wrote:
Hi All,
Just to let you know that Mum is slowly getting better, although she is still very weak. She has been sleeping better, which is great news, & is generally feeling more comfortable. The tests showed that the colitis has not come back, the diarrhea was just a result of all the medication.
They are now saying she can come home Thursday which is good news although we are a bit concerned in case she is not up to it. She feels very vulnerable at the thought of being outside the protective environment of hospital, although it will be lovely to be back in the peace & quiet of her own home. She will be having someone come in 4 times a day to administer the antibiotics, so that will act as a safety net should anything go wrong, & she does have an alarm system in her flat.
So, good news. Thank you for praying, I am convinced it has made a difference, but please continue to pray.
Thank you. love,
Chris
Hi All,
Just to let you know that Mum is slowly getting better, although she is still very weak. She has been sleeping better, which is great news, & is generally feeling more comfortable. The tests showed that the colitis has not come back, the diarrhea was just a result of all the medication.
They are now saying she can come home Thursday which is good news although we are a bit concerned in case she is not up to it. She feels very vulnerable at the thought of being outside the protective environment of hospital, although it will be lovely to be back in the peace & quiet of her own home. She will be having someone come in 4 times a day to administer the antibiotics, so that will act as a safety net should anything go wrong, & she does have an alarm system in her flat.
So, good news. Thank you for praying, I am convinced it has made a difference, but please continue to pray.
Thank you. love,
Chris
Monday, 11 February 2008
Lenten fast?
I'm not sure how this will come out - I'm thinking as I type, but moreso than usual, and using it to formulate some thoughts.
I've read this evening the post about Lent on Paul's blog and another post some time back on Marc's. Some of the guys we love and care for in our housegroup are fasting off certain things for lent, and I've been VERY careful not to be in the least discouraging (AFAIK none of them read TBOTAM regularly).
In my comment on Paul's blog I explained that all seasons are alike to me. But he also raised the question:
Afterall he didn't pull any punches when he said:
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."
What does intentionally practicing losing our lives look like?
This is in no way blowing my own trumpet, but I've just spent a substantial portion of this evening preparing for housegroup tomorrow night. I expect to spend time praying for the guys in our care, maybe fasting for them too. This has become more pointed for me because I know God has been speaking about getting the net habit under control, and with His grace, it's happening. I'm shutting down the computer and going to bed with Chris instead of staying up. I'm watching the sites I view more carefully (and literally ran away from one a few nights ago) and we're not even talking p0rn here. This affects the money we spend, the clothes we wear, cars we drive and the food we eat.
What's my point.
A bit like the adverts about dogs, self sacrifice isn't for lent, but for life. It's a way of life we're called to, as Paul M pointed out. I don't know if the idea of giving stuff up for lent is helpful or harmful. Does it make us feel like we've pushed the boat out for a month, topped up our 'holy points' and given us credit in heavens bank?
Or does it provide a basis to extend ourselves? Is it a potential place to initiate something that produces fruit in our lives instead of a transient longing, denied, then all the sweeter in renewed indulgence?
I'm not poking at anyone, nor especially asking questions that need answers. But if you've given up or begun something for lent, maybe you should ask yourself why, and will it bear lasting fruit or just be a passing phase? Will you now feel guilt-bound to repeat the Jesus creed for the rest of your natural or will it have been a good idea for just a few weeks before normality reasserted itself. Or is there a different path you're walking entirely?
I've read this evening the post about Lent on Paul's blog and another post some time back on Marc's. Some of the guys we love and care for in our housegroup are fasting off certain things for lent, and I've been VERY careful not to be in the least discouraging (AFAIK none of them read TBOTAM regularly).
In my comment on Paul's blog I explained that all seasons are alike to me. But he also raised the question:
Afterall he didn't pull any punches when he said:
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."
What does intentionally practicing losing our lives look like?
This is in no way blowing my own trumpet, but I've just spent a substantial portion of this evening preparing for housegroup tomorrow night. I expect to spend time praying for the guys in our care, maybe fasting for them too. This has become more pointed for me because I know God has been speaking about getting the net habit under control, and with His grace, it's happening. I'm shutting down the computer and going to bed with Chris instead of staying up. I'm watching the sites I view more carefully (and literally ran away from one a few nights ago) and we're not even talking p0rn here. This affects the money we spend, the clothes we wear, cars we drive and the food we eat.
What's my point.
A bit like the adverts about dogs, self sacrifice isn't for lent, but for life. It's a way of life we're called to, as Paul M pointed out. I don't know if the idea of giving stuff up for lent is helpful or harmful. Does it make us feel like we've pushed the boat out for a month, topped up our 'holy points' and given us credit in heavens bank?
Or does it provide a basis to extend ourselves? Is it a potential place to initiate something that produces fruit in our lives instead of a transient longing, denied, then all the sweeter in renewed indulgence?
I'm not poking at anyone, nor especially asking questions that need answers. But if you've given up or begun something for lent, maybe you should ask yourself why, and will it bear lasting fruit or just be a passing phase? Will you now feel guilt-bound to repeat the Jesus creed for the rest of your natural or will it have been a good idea for just a few weeks before normality reasserted itself. Or is there a different path you're walking entirely?
Sorry to have left it so long for an update.
It's been a real roller coaster ride for my mum these last few days.
Thursday night, as I reported here, she seemed so much better, but Friday was less good.
Saturday morning we have a prayer meeting in Bicester at 7.30, and the guys all prayed for her, with a strong sense that it really wasn't time for her to die yet. I went straight on from there to the hospital, full of faith, only to find her in a really bad way. The infection was still going, the colitis had returned and she was also odematous and feeling swollen with pains around her heart and serious difficulty breathing. So we prayed together a little, and eventually I left still feeling that she should recover - honestly, on the face of it she looked like she was ready to die.
Saturday afternoon she was much better and even cheerful, ditto Saturday night. Last night we went over after church (we meet in the afternoon, 4 to about 6ish). She was pretty much normal sounding, and although there's still a fair bit of fluid and some nasty bruising from failed canulation attempts.
I don't think it's presumption to say she's turned a corner. She is still receiving massive doses of antibiotics to deal with the hospital acquired infection, but hopefully she'll be better soon than when she went in. Yes, I'm grateful.
Thank you everyone that's been praying.
Thursday night, as I reported here, she seemed so much better, but Friday was less good.
Saturday morning we have a prayer meeting in Bicester at 7.30, and the guys all prayed for her, with a strong sense that it really wasn't time for her to die yet. I went straight on from there to the hospital, full of faith, only to find her in a really bad way. The infection was still going, the colitis had returned and she was also odematous and feeling swollen with pains around her heart and serious difficulty breathing. So we prayed together a little, and eventually I left still feeling that she should recover - honestly, on the face of it she looked like she was ready to die.
Saturday afternoon she was much better and even cheerful, ditto Saturday night. Last night we went over after church (we meet in the afternoon, 4 to about 6ish). She was pretty much normal sounding, and although there's still a fair bit of fluid and some nasty bruising from failed canulation attempts.
I don't think it's presumption to say she's turned a corner. She is still receiving massive doses of antibiotics to deal with the hospital acquired infection, but hopefully she'll be better soon than when she went in. Yes, I'm grateful.
Thank you everyone that's been praying.
Friday, 8 February 2008
Getting better
My mum is very weak now, but seems to be herself again. Thank God, literally.
*edit 9th Feb.*
Or not quite so great today. Fluid retention, infection, lack of sleep and generally feeling less than great are all taking their toll.
*edit 9th Feb.*
Or not quite so great today. Fluid retention, infection, lack of sleep and generally feeling less than great are all taking their toll.
A settled night.
Not me, but my mother.
Apparently she was getting ready for breakfast this morning when I rang the ward.
I wasn't at all sure I'd still HAVE a mother this morning.
I'm at the half-way point between gratitude she's still here and being uptight with twanging nerves. If she recovers then I'm asking for at least another 2 years of good health for her - better than it's been any time in the last 6 months. There is very little worse than sliding deeper and deeper into the mess, pain and indignity of severe old age.
Thank you everyone that's prayed for her.
This has certainly made me re-think about taking medication when I get older and fragile.
Apparently she was getting ready for breakfast this morning when I rang the ward.
I wasn't at all sure I'd still HAVE a mother this morning.
I'm at the half-way point between gratitude she's still here and being uptight with twanging nerves. If she recovers then I'm asking for at least another 2 years of good health for her - better than it's been any time in the last 6 months. There is very little worse than sliding deeper and deeper into the mess, pain and indignity of severe old age.
Thank you everyone that's prayed for her.
This has certainly made me re-think about taking medication when I get older and fragile.
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