Time to do something I've been avoiding.

Does anyone else remember the old Flash Gordon movies? Buster Crabbe running round in a pair of trunks, all slicked up with oil to look like he was sweating while Ming the merciless cackled in the background?

He (Flash) would always be sent to shovel fuel into a furnace that emitted some kind of terrible rays. Dale would look on aprehensively while strong guards forced flash into position. Then the seal would be broken and the door to the furnace would be wound gradually open by perspiring slaves and everyone would cower and wince under the horror of those terrible emanations that would make them sick and weak. At this point Dale would naturally dissolve in tears.

This feels a little like that.

The door being winched up is the cover I keep over how I feel. I just want to crank it open enough so that people know what's going on.

Basically Chris and I still find things very difficult. I am far more reluctant now to talk about Sarah than I was in the first couple of months after her death. Chris is quite often in tears and so am I occasionally. We're starting to face the anniversary of her death, and we're really not happy about that. When we talk about things it stirs everything up inside, and when people press on discussing stuff our family, mother (and fathers) day and all the stuff that reminds us that we've lost her then it simply tears us apart.

There are times I wish I could run until I simply died from exhaustion. There are certainly times I wish I could just run away from work, because I can't face doing anything, and feel guilty because I don't work well or efficiently and I'm being carried. Today I managed to get something done that's been hanging over me for more than a year to complete, and all the time I did it I just wanted to run away and sleep. My memory doesn't work properly, often I can't concentrate and have to constantly try to guess what people have said because my attention has wandered or I've forgotten what they said at the start by the time they've finished their sentence. I'm frequently tired, but never want to go to bed, and don't often sleep well when I do.

Where's the grace of God in all this? It's hard to answer that, but we're still here (there has been strong temptation for us not to be!!) and in the times we need to, we can help and support other people. We aren't down all the time, but we are some of the time. We've certainly had much happiness from our extended family, and they've been a factor in keeping us going.

Isn't there growth in pain? We'll see.

So please. If you're not really that close to us, you're welcome to ask if we're OK, and we'll probably say something like "yes" or "we're still alive". But don't press on to discuss with us how difficult it must be and isn't the anniversary close and what are we doing for it and how will we cope. So please don't be too offended if I just seem to go quiet and walk away while you keep blundering blythly on without a worry in the world. If you've been through it with us then that's quite different and it just simply doesn't seem to hurt as much with you who are close.

Not picking on anyone specific, although a number of people we'd call friends might wear the guilty cap. If you can look back and think "Oh goodness, I said something like that to them" then you're probably one of them! Don't worry - just learn from it. If this has offended you then thanks for reading, as I'm feeling a bit better with that off my chest.

Right, that's all.

Rkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrk CLANG!

The cover has been shut again.

Nothing more to see here.

Move along please, normal service will be resumed tomorrow.