Blobby blobby blobby.

Is how I feel.

182lb (13 stone in olde English, 81Kg in foreign) for 5'10".

It's the heaviest I've ever been and I'm not happy about it, but I like my food, and I'm not getting enough exercise.

Back on the bike to ride to work this morning. I really need to get out and do some bigger rides. Mar 2003 I did a 100Km off roader round the chilterns, and darned knackering it was too. The way I am this morning 10K would be hard.

I really find there's a trade-off between my fitness level and how well I work here though. The fitter I am, the more stupid my brain is, and the less mentally agile I become. Concentration just dances around, and it's nearly impossible to focus firmly on anything. Trying to hold a meaningful conversation with people I don't know is also really hard; the brain stays blank when it should be finding new threads for exploration. I come across as stupid and slow, which is half right in these circumstances.

The other side of losing fitness from a peak is depression. If I get fit, then stop I get dark, dark mood swings. It's not as bad as it used to be, but then I'm not super-fit like I was when I raced as a teenager. I stopped cycling for a while at 16 and and came pretty close to suicide, although it was a good opportunity for God to break in. Probably would have done if He hadn't.

Another dilemma then: fat and unwell or slim, stupid and moody?

Which would you choose?