The time has come for us to talk....
Of sausages and sealing wax,
Of cabbages and kings.
I keep having random thoughts when I'm not near a computer, often things that appear of pith and wit (to me). But come the time I have a keyboard before me, they just evaporate.
I have been depressed.
Not in a "I'm feeling a bit down today" way. Rather I have been displaying the classical symptoms of clinical depression: Tiredness, lethargy, sleeplessness, confusion, mood swings, feelings of intense sadness, focusing on self-gratification, feelings of being overwhelmed. Even feelings of "it's not worth carrying on with life". Part of it is a product of using the internet - I hesitate to call it an addiction, but it has developed far too great a draw for me, absorbing far too much time.
It took a while to realise what was going on. The penny finally dropped Friday night while I was at work, wondering why I couldn't get my head around the tasks to be done, and yet feeling really up tight because there was so much to do. Saturday I spent creeping around the house and 'resting', but on Sunday I determined I was just going to press ahead regardless, and that was so much better.
This is interesting, because on Wednesday night we had a meeting with a couple of (native) pastors from Bombay who are friends of Barrie (our leader). One of them had a word for me that I needed to worship, particularly the prophetic side, to push through the barriers ahead of me. While I had plenty of issues, it was hard to see what the barriers were clearly. Now I know. I've been here before, and I know how bad things can be, but that life does actually carry on and that determination not to believe how you feel is a key part of it.
This is also interesting because I seem to know a lot of people round here that have had clinical depression. Some of those have left the church, some stepped down from leadership. I wonder if this is a particular 'spiritual stronghold' in Bicester?
Anyway, today is a better day, so I'm moving forward in that.
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