I'm a hypocrite.

I decided a year or more back not to buy cheap Chinese stuff. The mower I bought is clearly made down to a price, and although it's starting its 3rd season now, performance is quite inferior to the mountfield I'd run for years before. There were good reasons for buying a brand new mower, but experience (and much fore-thought) tells us that you frequently get what you pay for, and in this case there are environmental and sociological reasons to spend more on a European made device too.

Fast forward to this week. Ebuyer have had a bunch of cheap power tools in for some time. I do occasionally build stuff, and have wanted a circular saw since my old Black and Decker died (from cutting up firewood - knackered gearbox, burned brushes). So I ordered one to go in with some other stuff and get free postage.

D'oh!

It'll probably work fine, and I'm helping feed poor people somewhere, but I've also contributed to being part of the problem rather than part of the (local) solution. Now I can come up with some compelling arguments too, about how purchasing goods in huge amounts from china is a *good* thing, and it's making them dependent on the west and therefore more likely to be supportive of this society as they become ascendent while America vacates the position of dominant super-power. But I also see this situation as an unrighteous outcome of the excessive and unbridled greed of the west.

My greed, too.

I trust God to work in every situation for the good of those who love Him. But what about when that situation is brought about by greed, of which I have contributed a portion.

What future legacy have we created for our children?

While we're grumbling, I'll mention Linux.

Remember the 'good' old days of Windows 3.0 and Windows 95?

Software worked, kinda, with regular lockups, crashes and just plain not doing what it should do?

Welcome to Linux.

Like web browsers that won't work because they use IPv 6.

Like web browsers that DO work. A bit. Like Konqueror, that apparently will access the net through a perfectly ordinary NIC chip (unlike Firefox) but won't allow posting of comments to Haloscan (Dan - it did manage to post on your blog last night).

Bill Gates has nothing to worry about. Really. I have been reading around on the forums for a number of these OSs, and even the 'experts' regularly get the sort of hassles we left behind when windows moved to the 98 flavour. Anyone who's run 2000 or XP on a reasonably spec'd machine will be familiar with the idea that a machine is stable for days, can resume from hibernation or screen saver without hanging and expect smooth scrolling and sharp fonts. I love the *look* of sabayon (even mandriva isn't so bad these days) and really like the idea of a M$ free environment (an apple has all the same issues that makes M$ unattractive, namely feelings of excessive control). But right now the price is too high for it to be my sole means of computing.

Shortly I will have a 750Gb Samsung F1 drive arriving, and I'll partition it up for Linux multi-boot. I'm very interested in learning, especially as these OS have become more less non-intuitive, but I'm very desperately unimpressed at what I've learned over the last month or so. If I can find a way of making a stable, attractive and non-M$ system then I'll certainly consider migrating. Until then...... I'm still a fan of XP.

Fings ain't what they used ter be.

I've been working in the lab pretty much since I was 17 (the school lab doesn't count - Lab? hah!).

Since that time I've been using automatic pipettes made by a company called Gilson. They have been the final word in pipetting performance since that time, despite being compared to a number of other popular brands. Gilson pipettes are legendary for reliability and performance.

Recently we've decided to equip every person in the lab with their own set. Some of these were our old pipettes, sent off for service and calibration, others were bought brand new. In a previous company we operated a scheme like this, with internal calibrations and each person testing their own set every month. Reliability was high and failures few and far between: we had internally produced specifications that were both real and tight.

We had issues about a year ago, when the instruments we had were last serviced. They came back with issues that became progressively worse and were 'fixed' internally, rather than be without our pipettes for a few weeks. This should have been a warning to me.

Our new pipettes are, frankly, lousy.

Some vary considerably between operators. Some require specific tip types, and not all the same. Precision is often not great and accuracy has been laughable for some instruments. We've been evaluating them for a ridiculous amount of time now - it should have been a case of the instruments arriving, bashing through the tests and just approving them. Instead we've each spent nearly a man-day testing, only for half of them not to come up to spec. A little while ago the UK Gilson distributor ran an advert warning people about using other suppliers that 'might' service them using cheap parts made in China, leading to problems with reliability. The manner in which these pipettes behave is JUST LIKE the way they described the copy parts performance.

If I ever start buying pipettors from scratch again I shall look at someone else's instruments. We have had to invest far too much time in these shonky things, and I've lost faith in the ability of the UK supplier to do a worthwhile job. I need to consider carefully whether I'm willing to take on the paperwork burden required to go through non-conforming a supplier under the quality management system.

Sorry to talk shop.

What is it about

politics and web forums that makes people on the western side of the Atlantic so combative, aggressive and just plain nasty. I've seen behaviour like this before, but it still shocks me. Worst of all, these people are Christians, people that genuinely love Jesus, but also genuinely care more about being right than they do their fellow man. How ashamed some of these people make me feel.

I think this is why I love those who are a little left of centre, despite being firmly conservative in outlook. We may not agree, but there seems to be a grace that is missing from the right right.

The missing

5 minute Linux manual for morons.

I've just re-started reading The Register, after a break of a couple of years.

Brilliant stuff, with just the right level of knowledge, cynicism and humour.

And the BOFH.

And yesterday

All our grass had it's first cut.

In the winter I bought a bench grinder at Aldi for about a tenner. It made a nice change to just offer up the mower blade to a grinding wheel instead of filing it by hand. Nice not to have the invariably chipped knuckles that accompanies the blade-filing exercise too.

We drove to Banbury in the beetle with the top down, only to have to put it up at some traffic lights when the rain started. 12'C isn't *really* warm enough.

We rounded the day off with a curry. There's a Bangaldeshi restaurant in Deddington that does all kinds of dishes we never heard of anywhere else. Last night we had Chicken Silsila (sweet and mild) and Lamb Achaar (semi-dry, sharp, hints of citrus and astringency) with rice, nan bread and onion bahjis. The time before we had a Sathkora (very strong citrus flavours) with butter chicken. Each time we seem to have chose something bitter and something creamy and sweet: fortunate, since alone any of these would have been a bit much. Together there's a good balance. Bit like a good marriage really: balanced.

Time I was outside in the sunshine.

Linucks and windoze

I have an interesting combination of OSs available to me now: Mandriva 2008 and Sabayon on one hard drive, XP on the other.

In the process of installation I've discovered that:

Sabayons disc partitioning system is stinky and ambiguous.

Mandrivas partitioning system will only operate if the partition you want to resize isn't actually being used by any part of the OS

Sabayon appears to not offer an equivalent level of control through the GUI to Mandrivas control panel

Mandriva is unstable and unpredictable

Setting up a bootloader that can cope with different HDD formats (Linux on IDE, windows on SATA) is 'tricky' despite being apparently obvious.

Chris thought Mandriva was pronounced "Man Driver" - the white van man of the OS world?

So at the moment I swap between OSs by disabling the IDE drive in the BIOS - there appears to be a boot hierarchy, with IDE before SATA. Fine by me, but a little irritating. I suspect 30s in google and a couple of hours reading and fiddling will fix it fine. My biggest irritation about Linux is that it is highly un-intuitive unless you already know all kinds of stuff, while *mostly* windows is very intuitive and noob-friendly. Sure there are exceptions (no-one ever tells people who to enter the MAC address of a wireless dongle so that the base station will recognise it).

Now I need to go recover all my various passwords so that I can start accessing things through the new OSs. I DEFINITELY don't remember what my blogger password is.

I've been asking 'why' a little recently

The 'why' is about why I'd like to build a Linux PC?

I already spend more than enough time on the PC at home. The aspect of having a box that's relatively impervious to viruses and M$ automatic update is nice, but does that justify it? Also Linux is hardly the ultra-stable OS that it used to be - do something wrong - BOOM!

Monkey curiosity?

Surfing without leaving (too many) traces?

I dunno. It's been a tennet of computing faith that one day I'd do it, yet here I am, more than 10 years down the road and still convinced Windows XP is actually THE best operating system for normal home use right now. Mac-users - you have the nicest hardware, even if it's too expensive and a bit slow. Sure I envy you for garageband, but I can get by with Audacity if I don't need to fiddle with your widgets.

So I'm still wondering about Linux.

The box upstairs for watching DVDs is multi-boot with XP, 98 (for games - great older games environment) and mandriva pro 2008. Mandriva will import windows documents and settings, but can't manage drivers for my wireless network dongle and the NDIS wrapper didn't wrap. Being chicken (and sensible) I'm not going to partition the drive on the downstairs PC (linux-created partitions don't always seem reversible either). Ben was going to provide an old 60-80Gb HDD, but it hasn't turned up.

So I sit on the fence.

Does it worry you to criticise other people's music?

Marc V had a post asking why various Canadian bands and musicians just didn't make it big internationally (he was thinking especially of the tragically hip). I left some comments having had a listen, only to feel commenters remorse.

I've been lent an album this week by a good friend. The band is prayer chain, and more than half the album pushes all the wrong buttons. They were described to me as the 'best christian indie band he'd ever heard'. 5 songs on the album are good but the rest really didn't want recording - it's not just me: Ben listened in the car and quite agreed.

Then there's a forum where someone posted a link to the Luna trinity guitar being played by Vicki Genfan. Incredible playing, but it's that ghastly sucky tapping tuneless style style pioneered by Andy McKie and now being ripped off wholesale by all and sundry. I liked the funky tones of the guitar, and this piece is better than most snappy poppy stuff, but still rankles.

People identify with music, and that's where it becomes a problem.

Hate my musical taste - hate me, is so often the message.

So it bothers me to criticise. It doesn't stop me, but I've tried to tone it down over the years.

I guess not everyone can share such good taste as mine.

Well - she's home.

Collected my mum from Banbury around 4.00pm this afternoon. She's tired but seems effectively OK.

Once again, thanks for your prayers.

Does anyone else

have those times when you wonder why you're here, really, instead of somewhere else?

I'm sure it's just selfish laziness, but I'm here in the office with someone grumbling in the background, a long day ahead and a mother back in hospital. My thoughts have been running along the lines of:

"Wonder what it's like in Brussels - sunshine and flowers instead of frost?"

"How about in Greece? Is it chilly at Phillipi?"

"Have the spring flowers come up yet in Houston (from memory, the greenrer parts around Houston are actually lovely at this time of year - like spring in England with summer temperatures)".

I've just discovered too that someone isn't in today either, and it's not completely convenient, as I want to talk to them.

Ahem.

I mentioned my mother being back in again. She had a lot of fluid around her heart that had obviously been building for a week or so, and it was pressing on her heart and lungs, causing severe breathlessness. Yesterday evening she seemed much better, but was staying in hospital at least overnight. She got very worried because the ward that she had stayed in before had all gone down with C. Difficile - an infection would probably kill her. It's apparently all cleaned up and clear now, but they were planning to let her stay in the MAU overnight, so hopefully all is well.

Thanks everyone that prayed yesterday.

Snowy day - sorry if you dial up.

Back to my roots this afternoon.

I've been sawing wood and splitting logs.

Somewhere in the dim and distant past are woodsmen, and although it's *probably* purely in the mind, it *feels* like there's something right about cutting wood.

I started off using a bow saw, then quickly realised it was too much like hard work and dug out the chain saw. I've not had the old girl running for years, literally, but after unwrapping and closing up the spark plug and cleaning then air filter it started easily and ticked over happily.

There's a feeling of immense satisfaction at the way a chainsaw carves it's way through a tree. It feels like the sort of sensation everyone should enjoy at least once in their life. Assuming they're an intelligent, careful and capable individual, of course - Texas chainsaw massacre types need not apply.

Unfortunately my poor old saw needs a new chain, as the old one has been resharpened so much that there's not much tooth left and it now cuts off to one side.

So now I'm thoroughly bushed. Had a cold come on, and my nose has been literally dripping this morning. I've now got a thick head that feels like it'll go to a headache tomorrow, and my body already aches from the effort of chopping and guiding the saw so that bodes well for having church round here tomorrow. Still, I'm sure they'll survive me, even if I am dozy and vaguer than usual. Probably slightly hung over too, as it's a celebration tonight for a good friend, and there's going to be lots of cows bottom and some nice red wine to wash it down.

See you in the morning.

Schizophrenia?

I seem to be caught schizophrenically between a rock and a hard place.

In my years of working in this area I have developed into 2 separate Toni’s.

Number 1 is Dr. Research mode: fast, messy and creative. I can run large multivariate experiments using lots of variables, all in an untidy and cluttered environment, and with great speed and accuracy.

Number 2 is Mr. GMP mode: careful, tidy and methodical. I perform line clearance before starting, proceed carefully through a detailed method following every step and only do one single operation at a time.

Like I said – schizophrenic – these 2 ways of working are poles apart, quite contradictory and very highly incompatible.


My present job increasingly needs me to marry these 2 sides of my work ‘character’.

We are literally starting to validate a new product (beginning next week). Validation requires time, materials, resources. I have *some* of all of them, but not enough. Validation also requires things to be worked through in a very precise and careful, painstaking fashion to be meaningful. However the truth of it is that we’ve had the product to actually work with from the lab that did feasibility since the end of Jan this year, and there’s only been time for a single shot at making it into a form that can be put in a box and sold to the outside world, and it’s not 100% solid. Yet.

Now the No.1 side of me says “oh heck, just re-formulate – it’ll be fine – you KNOW what works”. The other side of me is saying “ but you haven’t tested THAT formulation, and you don’t even know how many kits you’ll need for sample value studies, or how you’re going to calibrate the standards that you haven’t made yet”.


The danger is that when I do this schizo thing, my brain just shuts down and says ‘go play – you’re bored here and should find something else to do’.


I really need to find the middle ground – where I can develop and move forward fast, while providing all the evidence and supporting data needed to let the product go forward. My tendency is to slide off into one side or the other, usually the Dr. Research mode because that’s more fun and gets things done MUCH faster.


Fortunately a little adrenaline goes a long way. It’s amazing how you can force yourself to write a document when you REALLY have to. I’ve given up living off stress and anger (want to be really productive – learn how to focus anger) as it spills over into home life. But sometimes one just needs to kick ones own butt a little, and I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.



Wrote this yesterday while at work. I really could do with spending my weekend writing documents, but instead I'm going to work in the garden and have church here in our house tomorrow.

Are we willing to be unattractive for the sake of the gospel?

BTW I know I'm something of a snob, and I don't have problems with that.

Tuesday night as part of this discipleship course we had a talk from someone that has truly pioneered a church in a difficult area of Oxford. It’s a council estate, full of poverty and unemployment, and most especially, full of the side of current culture that makes me glad not to live there.

He moved there about 5 years ago, as a youngish guy with his wife, and started getting to know people. He became *like* them.

This was brought home to me when he was talking about winners and losers. The characters referred to were football managers – not people I would see as admirable in any way.

I’ve been turning this over and over in my head since then. Why would someone of reasonable intelligence accept ‘sun-newspaper’ culture and actually make it their own – at least where it did not clash with un-negotiable Christian values.

I think I know.

There’s a tension within my feelings about this. It’s easy to think that he’s got it nice – cultural values of beer and footie, everyone has a particular accent and way of delivering ideas – cushy number for a younger guy. But he’s actually identified himself with those we (both society and me – I’m guilty too) would see as contemptible, as worthless unless they change. Instead of doing the impossible for the unwilling (trying to get them to ‘come up to my level’) he’s gone in there and down to theirs.

And some ARE rising up.

It’s good and it’s challenging. It’s not comfy, but comfy is for those insulated and ineffective.

If I were to try to do what he’s done there, could I succeed? Absolutely not. I don’t have the right interests, accent or thought processes. But I admire the way he’s “made himself nothing” to do what he’s doing, and to walk in integrity with it.

These days I sound like a product of the culture I’m surrounded by, even if I don’t entirely think and behave like that culture. I wonder where I need to become nothing to make a difference?

More challenges.

Can you get 'prayer fatigue'?

One of the things I've been finding in this weeks episode of the Toni show is that praying isn't easy.

I called a friend tonight, Mark, and we talked about stuff we're working through. I've never been one of the amazingly spiritual people who will always remember that the answer is to pray - I'm much more likely to try to work my way through stuff in some practical fashion. and I've a suspicion this is the right thing to often do.

But there are times prayer doesn't come easily and I hate to hear myself speaking cliches and regurgitated phrases.

Now a part of it is definitely that we're busy at work, and because there are so many balls in the air I'm finding clear headspace difficult. Sure there are times when I'm empty-headed, but that's not the same as being in a place of quiet and waiting. And for me, prayer was never right as a list of needs and wants (even for other peoples benefit) or recitation of a list of trite 'worship' phrases.

So I can see there's a place I need to enter, but haven't quite accessed it yet. Tomorrow, my mind being what it is, this mysterious place will have slipped away and life will carry on as normal. Probably.

How much hypocrisy do we need?

Nearly everyone in the UK must by now have heard about Max Mosely, chairman of the body that manages F1 (the FIA) being filmed acting out a Nazi prison camp scenario with 5 prostitutes. Somewhat unfortunate, in view of his history and childhood nazi links.

Not great or clever.

However it appears that the world is up in arms about it.

From the little I know of it, this *kind* of imagery has been a staple of the porn industry for years. I know such films have been made because I’ve seen advertisements for them. While the man is in a senior position within the formula 1 world, this behaviour does not seem any more at odds with his position any more than ordinary people having affairs or visiting prostitutes while married. Which is clearly not unusual, if not common in some circles. No-one apparently bats an eye at net porn outside a work context, with people doing much less pleasant things to each other than in this situation.

I am quite sure that the journalists that have blown this up in the face of the world are fully as sordid as the man himself, yet no-one ever questions their integrity over publishing such details. Of course people are interested and of course they will buy papers – this will give a substantial number a sexual thrill thinking about the carefully almost-described goings on. I wonder if any of those who wish they’d been able to watch would ever think of themselves at least as guilty as the man that made their pleasure possible?

How truly foul and guilty are people in ways that they do not even see?

I don't especially agree with this comment in the Times either, but at least they seem able to think a little more rationally about the whole sordid business.

Have you ever noticed how clothing disappears?

Y'know, you lose a favourite item?

Well I've had clothing appear.

That's right, a pair of 32" waist jeans have found their way into my wardrobe!

They fit perfectly, but I'd SWEAR I never bought them as they aren't the kind I buy. Frayed areas, that slightly yellowed wash effect, hipster styling (with short fly that makes standing for the loo VERY hazardous).

I've racked my brains and can't remember every buying these. Ben is certain they aren't his (he still take 28" waist) and they are not Chris's. We're all stumped, but I'm wearing them now and they're fine. Call them my miracle jeans!

This seems appropriate

Thanks to Jakeddy on CMF (can't link as I don't think he has a site).

Has someone seen my weekend?

If so, could they please tell me where is it as I seem to have mislaid it.

That went FAR too fast.

The snow has arrived.

Just looked out of our livingroom window and it's drifting down very happily out there.

Just saw a gritter drive past - wonder if I'll get to the prayer meeting tomorrow morning?

Hi Penny

Great to see you online!

Love, Toni and Chris.

What does discipleship mean to you?

For some people it apparently means drudgery. For those who did some of the early Oxfordshire community churches discipleship courses it apparently means being put through artificial hardship, to the point of dreading the word. To some it apparently means discipline along the lines of punishment.

As a church we've started a period of 'discipleship' using OCC generated material. The first session in the 6 week course started Tuesday night, and so far I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing for 2 reasons. The first of these is that the course material is designed with the potential to push people quite hard in terms of the time and effort required to cover all the sections, with books to read (we don't have any) tapes to listen to (ditto) required exercise, essays, abstinence, fasting, bible reading and separate prayer sessions. None of this is bad, but in order to not make the entry bar too high it all feels a bit optional, to the point where I'm having to either own it for my self or just treat the next few weeks as a holiday from leading the house group.

The second issue is my perception of true discipleship. This means spending time with someone who is a mature Christian, working alongside, learning from them, being open with them, letting them speak into my life and confessing issues and problems to them. In this light you can see that the above course is a pale shadow of the potential for growth. Yes, it will stretch people, but in a cold and detached fashion. Of course being put through the mill and pushed to the end of one's tether is all part of the normal Christian walk and experience, but anyone that has raised a family while involved in church leadership will recognise that little short of concentration-camp conditions could push you harder than that.

So what to do?

I was turning this over before God in the kitchen a few days ago. I really felt quite clearly that I needed to buy into the whole thing, set goals and so on, regardless of whether they were required by the course. So I've given up Harmony Central for the next 5 weeks, which IS already leaving a big hole - these are my friends as well as an area of interest. I'm also happy with the fasting, bible reading etc and preparing essays and so on (don't expect them to appear here though - I hate fake blogs that are nothing but bible studies). TBH if I find this difficult I shall be quite disappointed in myself, as most of it is pretty much what I expect as normal lifestyle, but just more compacted., and I'm no 'super-christian'.

One interesting/amusing aspect of this is that a very good friend who is also on the same course is fully as cynical about these things as I am (and sees the artificial hardship with fully as much contempt). In the questionnaire that was filled out before starting was the question "why are you doing the course?". We both wrote almost identically "Because this is a church activity, and we support what the church is doing". I find it great to be with someone as BS free, but we'll need to watch that we don't get sucked into too much cynicism.

Right. Work.

A favourite youtube vid.

Funny youtube vid.

I already walk like that sometimes.

Chris awoke

with a migraine this morning.

I've been headachy and icky feeling all morning, even after lunch.

Tomorrow is the weekend.

Madness is not just having a different perspective.

I just listened to an amazing and peculiar conversation on Radio 4 this morning while driving to work.

A deaf man was arguing with the presenter, through the aid of an interpreter, that deafness was not a disability. The context was about comments made in parliament about the selection of embryos for IVF, and choosing to not select embryos that would result in deaf people. His perspective was that because deaf people were recognised as being equal to hearing people and the deaf association had determined that deafness was not a disability, the parliamentary speaker therefore wished all deaf people killed before birth. He argued that by the same token if deaf people were disabled, so should black and homosexual people be considered disabled, hospitalised and cured.

It was a brilliant piece of incredibly flawed logic. While it is possible to see the point he made, there was true un-sanity behind it. There is wonder to be seen in the way that humans can compensate and work around deficiencies. Yet to refuse to recognise a deficiency in defiance of all evidence has to be madness.

Doesn’t it?

*edit*
It would seem I wasn't the only one that picked up on the interview. Daniel Finkelstein wrote this article for the times newspaper, published today.

Good time

with Dan and his housemates this w/e. Portsmouth is an interesting place that feels a lot like London in the 70s, but with the sea a bit closer. Good to meet Ben and Ruth again too. Cheers guys.

It's nearly a week since I last posted here.

Looks like my mum will be coming out of hospital today, after 5 weeks+.

With our natural sense of good timing we're away this W/E, but my brother & SiL will be looking after her today and tonight. Not completely sure how I feel about this - there's a certain sense of 'we might need the bed, isn't it amazing how you're suddenly able to leave' but that might just be my nasty cynical head. I really hope she IS ready to go.

*edit*
Chris has just walked past and told me that she thinks it's because they were concerned about her depression in hospital, and thought she would do better being at home.

Thanks for all the prayers. I get the feeling that this is just the next stage, rather than a fix, but we'll see.

The future of online social networking.

Public information post

We're still here.

Surprise.

My mum has been doing rather better the last few days. The cyclosporin caused serious nausea problems but that was partially relieved with IV anti-emetics. It's now >4 weeks since she went in, and it's good to see her bored because until recently she was too ill to notice.

As for us, Chris has had a nasty cold that has now been passed to me as she is recovering. This morning I'm reminded again that she has a SEVERE issue with cocoa solids, and that the tiny piece of chocolate gateaux I gave her last night at Luke and Hayley's engagement party is probably responsible for the migraine that's made her throw up this morning. Oops.


I'm trying to tab out couple of songs for worship this afternoon. The first one seemed easy, but the second isn't my thing at all, and the cold has sucked away my musical ear so I've now got a headache. The more I listen, the less I think everyone will be able to sing it, but nothing ventured etc.

Had my break, better get back to it.