The games we play.

When I was a kid – an early teenager – the Boys Brigade I was part of ran a ‘bibleclass’ that was semi-compulsory if you wanted promotion etc. So a whole bunch of us would attend, and as we got a little older we were asked to ‘lead’ the class. It was very odd to me: we had to choose some hymns to sing, and I still clearly remember thinking to myself “how do I choose what to sing – they’re all just alike”. So I might have chosen ‘will your anchor hold’ or some such that seemed to get sung frequently because they were just hymns, right?

Later on I remember being asked to actually speak a little, taking a passage of scripture and explaining it. I’d read it again and again, but there was no meaning other than the obvious human one behind it as a story. So I’d go along, read out the scripture then try to say something that I knew was empty, meaningless and hollow – I can remember the sense of embarrassment even now, because it was all just untruthful words.

Later on after I became a Christian and the bible suddenly made sense as the Holy Spirit gave understanding I wondered what on earth we'd been doing. We were just children playing with things that we didn't understand, encouraged by some well meaning grownups who maybe didn't understand too much either.

What has this got to do with anything?

Last night there was talk about appointing church wardens and a church council in the Anglican church we’ve become involved with. It has the exact same feeling, of playing at church and religious stuff, of making things up because we don’t know what to do or how to make it real. Oh sure, it’s all part of a rich tradition going back a few hundred years, but to me it still feels like people are like children, playing a game every bit as much as we were as non-christian teenage boys back in that bibleclass.

So today I have a sense of agitation, of unease and disquiet that comes from being driven by stuff that comes out of men’s heads. I always knew it was going to be difficult at times to be part of the Anglican stream, and this is one of those times. It’s like there’s REAL church buried in there, but it’s made impotent by all this rubbish that’s forced over the top. So instead of anointed leadership who bring the people to know God we have a priesthood that stands BETWEEN them and God, keeping each at a safe distance. Instead of a clean new testament church structure we have a hierarchy or bizarre offices and posts to which people are appointed based on need and expediency instead of calling and anointing.

Now this isn’t exactly how things are with this church, but the mismatch between the shapes of the body of Christ and the church of England is as uncomfortable as going on a walk through rocky countryside in high heeled shoes 3 sizes too small.

Like I said, this is making me feel uncomfortable, agitated, concerned and downright unhappy. I can’t concentrate on my work because of feeling so churned up inside, and so I’m doing something that I’ve not done for a long time – I’m venting here in writing. There is nothing personal in any of this toward the guys in the church, but it is a consequence of being part of this tradition. At this stage I really have no idea how we’re going to cope with this in the years to come, but I also know that some people manage to be part of even more bizarre expressions of churchianity from a similar way of thinking to us, and they survive.

So there is little chance of me becoming a good Anglican, but I hope I can find a way to be at peace within this organisation. God has clearly spoken to us about just being ourselves here, and I wonder if expressing these kinds of thoughts (in a way that is potentially acceptable) is also going to be a part of what this church needs?

And now you can see another reason why I'm not posting too much here these days. Someone we know might read it and be terribly upset. That's not my intention, but I've been keeping stuff pent-up for so long, watching, listening but feeling unable to say the things that I'd like to say. I'm coming to love many of these people, but there's something in an insipid fish-paste-sandwiches-with-too-much-margarine way that makes me feel like I'm choking. How I need the grace of God to keep going in all this. How I already wish we weren't leaving the warmth and comfort of the community church.

I don't want sympathy. I just needed to vent a bit.