Saturday, 23 June 2007

I seem to process this way

So I'm going to post a bit and see if it helps.

Dying is a funny business for those around the person involved. Chris's mum
has almost certainly now got a bunch of secondaries from her original breast cancer. I commented to Chris a year ago that she had lost a surprising amount of weight, and how that was often a sign of returning cancer. But we negotiated it between us to interpret her thinness as better diet etc etc. Now I find myself arguing that we should wait for the return of the blood tests before we're certain it's cancer or not - wearing my 'scientists hat' and not jumpin gto (obvious) conclusions.

It's having a quite negative impact on us both. Chris was much less affected by her fathers death, probably because it was so close to Sarah's, but also because there was less of a natural bond between them and he'd had a full life. But her mum is in a lot of pain (much more than I realised) and it's horrible you see someone you love suffering like that. So Chris suffers and that affects me too. I can't step back, but I need to be aware of what's happening emotionally and things to be done so that I can try to make sure things don't get on top of us.

There's too much been going on, and that's not helped - rather feels like we're having a bit of a 'forge' experience (being heated up, then belted with a large hammer). I hope we can hold together rather than fall apart.

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