The water channel

One of the saddest things.

I wonder if one of the saddest things is finding that the people you thought you were aligned with, that felt you understood, that seemed to be your friends just because they were - had a rather different set of objectives and responses.

Chris and I cuddled this morning and were grateful to each other that we do both want essentially the same things - we line up with each other. Sure that's 30+ years of being together producing fruit, but so many others don't seem to do that, and I feel really sad for them. It's the same with church family - sometimes it can feel like you're a fish that thought you were swimming in the shoal, only to find some of those closest to you were swimming away.

At times like this it's so important to build friendships, rather than take offence or run away because you can't agree. I hope I'm learning.

Hard reset!

This is a phrase that should cause some trepidation for android phone users (no idea about the iPhone). After the last update this phone started running slow, then the crashes began.

:p

Researches turned up little help other than the only likely fix was either rooting (not great with 1 year of warranty left) or resetting so it loses everything. In the end I just had enough, backed up through Sandisk memoryzone and told it to forget everything.

It didn't disappoint.

I had at least hoped restoring from a backup would recover all my text messages, though I can't complain really since everything else apart from basic layout has been fully recovered. Contrary to my expectation, saving apps to the SD card did not stop them being erased, though the system (presumably Google) did remember I'd bought endomondo pro so it didn't have to be bought again.

So it's been just like any other computer rebuild. Once the OS is working you restore data, reinstall apps and tweak things around to improve the previous set up and try new stuff. I'be used the phone for several hours now, and apart from a bizarre glitch at the start it seems stable and mostly OK.

I hope it continues, because it's a darn nuisance to do all this again.

Please darlin' let me know.....

well should I stay or should I go?

There's been a trend recently within the church, now that change has really arrived, of people being able to give up/put down things they've been doing, and I've been trying to see what this means for me. There are murmurings in the background of some stuff that very nearly did go in my own life, but just as I'd walked away it seemed to get dumped back on me, and rightly or wrong it seemed that I needed to carry it for the time being - and still am, though there's a sense that it's temporary now, and doesn't either sit or fit well any more. But this is a time of transition, so we'll see what happens. I've a feeling that as a result of some of the above there's more things coming along to pick up, rather than put down.

If I stay there will be trouble, but if I go it will be double.

It's an interesting place to be, in this church that is re-defining it's leadership and leaders. God HAS spoken words of encouragement, of moving forwards, of doing good things. The danger is, of course, relying on feelings so that one is up sometimes and down sometimes. The truth is that as a community we are in a place of incredible opportunity, if only we can overcome the mountain of hurts, habits and stuff we've told ourselves that we must conform to because that's how it's always been done. And I'm including myself in this. Several times I've had to stop myself both thinking and writing about the problems and less desirable aspects of legacy and refocus on the way ahead and all the good things that have been built. It's not *really* that hard, but we all like to look back and whine instead of looking ahead and shouldering the load.

So darlin' let me know, should I stay or should I go?

I also have feeling of things that are coming along that need to be taken up. There's already been a clear word about not doing things myself (thanks Liz - if you ever read this) and a sense of what's needed. At the same time there's a certain reluctance on a number of levels, great feelings of inadequacy and a sense of missing/messing up so that God can't use me that way after all. We'll have to see.

It's also important to remember there's a war on.

Heyford Park Chapel again tonight.

And I'm leading the meeting.

Having a very un-spiritual feeling time right now. However the great thing is that it's not about me, and I'm pretty sure God's going to turn up. Now THAT is something to look forward to.

Bloomin' phones.

After the last update just a few weeks ago my HTC desire - which had been running very well - has started doing frequent re-starts of the HTC sense overlay. The phone itself appears fine, but the latest version of sense seems to keep failing and restarting.

It's still in warranty, so I don't really want to root it, but it is annoying. I'd also prefer not to do a full factory reset, as I don't know for certain that everything can be restored from SD card, nor that starting again will fix the issue. Just hoping there'll be another update along soon that will fix it.

Sticking one's neck out

Some will be aware that, as part of being licensed to preach, I am also doing a couple of courses organised by the church of England. The present one is about faith and prayer, and has looked at various traditions and practices.

Now, how do I say it? Some of this is whacky.

I'm trying to discern what is unfamiliar but good from what is unfamiliar and bad. Easier said than done in some ways: relying on instincts and trying to sense what the Holy Spirit is saying is difficult because my personal feelings are often quite strong. Also there are some things one has a sense of being off beam, but they can be very hard to identify a specific reason why. At the same time there are good things in there that make lights come on to explain either the reasons certain things work in particular ways, or to explain that it's OK for feelings to follow a particular direction. I've been very much praying to be able to see the good stuff and to hear what God is saying in this.

Many of these things are from the 'rich tradition' of the western church, though as one gradually works back through history it passes through being simply 'the church' and then Rome to finally Jerusalem. This is to be expected. It seems that many of the key formative characters (discussed and otherwise) were all reacting to socio-political and religious situations they found themselves in, very much in the way that later, the Methodists, Baptists, Pentecostal and house/community churches were formed.

But on the way, some of the church practices picked up odd stuff.

So we were taught about contemplation by a chap who also practiced Zen, and mixed both apparently freely (despite stating to the contrary) in his descriptions: the 'prayer form' of apophatic prayer seems to have been largely drawn from what we would perceive to be eastern meditation, and while potentially different, seems to have borrowed wholesale. Some of the christian mystics that were quoted were almost certainly pushing into gnosticism with their secret knowledge that comes from 'un-knowing' - at least at face value.

On one level I can see how the traditions and the clothes and the forms all fit together, but on another, it all seems pretty stinky.

I'm also somewhat perturbed at the tacit acceptance that a bunch of stories about the 'saints' were basically made up to illustrate how good and pure and holy they were. Great, so now we invent stuff that everyone 'on the inside' knows are made up and make the Christian faith a real minefield theologically. Worse, bible stories then get taught like that, again with the tacit acceptance on the inside that they are in fact not true, and the whole thing then crumbles away in disbelief. One evening I got worried looks when discussing that if Jesus didn't do the things He's recorded as doing then how could we actually trust any of the bible was true.

It's like building a house on nice ideas and cobwebs of good feelings, but underneath there's nothing of substance. I can't go to someone hurting, sick, confused and fearful and tell them everything is OK because we can all go into a quiet place, empty our minds and feel at peace by repeating a word over and over again.

Despite my tone, I'm neither angry nor distressed about this - it's more or less what I expected. I just see my roots going back to Paul, Timothy and possibly Luke, rather than James and a bunch of guys who went off to the desert to isolate themselves from the rest of the world.

Paul's words: "we are merely human, just like you". I can go with that.

The snow doves.

Another seasonal image, taken over the weekend.

Walking around the fields below Somerton.

Chris yesterday in Oxford

Puccini's.

Day off (mostly)

It was Chris's birthday yesterday, and so today we took some time together and wandered around Oxford, enjoying the mist and damp and occasionally taking pictures. We also winced a bit at the boys from a local school, running through Christchurch park, their bare legs splattered with icy water and mud. Some we fine, but some were red-legged and stiff. Brought back memories of playing rugby and football in frosty weather, where fingers were too stiff and numb to do up shirt buttons even after a hot shower.

Anyway, pictures.

A whole week without posting - how remiss.

Well, the good news is that I seem to be effectively over that last round of cold etc that started at the beginning of December. It more or less wiped out 3 weeks of work and required me to convalesce over Christmas, so goodbye and good riddance to those bugs! I am so grateful to be better!

This has been a week of gearing up for 2012 for the business. At the end of last year changes were made to the diagnostic assay for which I sell controls, requiring that all the values for that kit were re-analysed to establish new ranges, and, together with some additional testing in the current kit, I have been doing that work. This will also justify sending customers and potential users a mailshot to stimulate interest.

On top of that it is always good to service and calibrate equipment when there's a quieter patch, so I've been servicing and calibrating the pipettes I use. This means I can be sure that they will deliver the (tiny) volumes of liquid they are supposed to with known accuracy and precision, and also confirms the work that has already been done is valid.

And finally, having moved on from my previous employer, I'm doing work for them for one of their clients which will hopefully be ongoing, so I've bought certain bits of kit and additional materials that will be needed for that - ended up spending a couple of hours researching and purchasing bits and pieces Friday. This week has also been VERY spendy!

So what else is happening?

Monday night we saw Ian B from Heyford Park licensed to work in Bicester and particularly for Emmanuel Church Bicester. My good friend Rachel who heads up the worship there invited me to come play for the band and I was able to get Mark from Heyford Park along to sing too - he's a great singer and fitted in really well. She'd asked me to play electric, but after the last 3 1/2 years here I nearly couldn't do it - in all honesty I've felt completely crushed over worship, and while God has been gracious in that time, it's felt so difficult. Chris was good and encouraged me to go for it, and Rachel was wonderful with her encouragement too, before and after. It feels like now is a time for restoration and healing, and that's where my expectation is.

I'm speaking again tomorrow, this time off Ephesians 2 1-10. It's a mixture of encouragement, theology and gospel message, and will hopefully be more than just words. I'm getting a little faster, but still seem to have to invest a lot of time to be thorough enough and to ensure I don't say anything overtly stupid or disconnected. Chris is also good for a sanity check.

At the moment, particularly now the lurgy is over, it feels like the time has come to take up the slack, start working, planning and above all, to not just give in to wishes and desires of self-entertainment and sloppy conduct. This is a partial success so far. I just need to spend much less time on the internet and more time doing other things - almost anything else that won't cause problems.

And there's more study for the licensed lay ministry to be done. Next weeks episode is dealing with apophatic prayer, which sounds like something with a carbon ring structure and a few amino groups and a Chlorine stuck to it.

There you go - a week in one compact-ish post.

20 years ago today

My father died, aged almost 52.

There's no grieving, and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't have wanted any, certainly not by now. There is, however, a certain sense of sadness, that he has not shared in our family life together, seen Ben grow and become able in so many ways. At the same time, I think Sarah would have broken his heart, and I'm glad he didn't have to cope with that.

But most of all I feel for my mother, having been a widow 20 years now despite marrying a man 7 years her junior: she had a sense that they would not be together a long time, and they made the most of all the time they had. She has been incredibly brave, enduring all the physical suffering as well as grief without complaint or grumbling, and with incredible graciousness.

Respecting the dead is a silly thing for the sake of the dead - it cannot make any difference to them. But for the sake of the living, there may still be a benefit. It just makes me so aware that, as people, nearly everything we do is about us, regardless of who we *say* it's for.

Please don't tell me about 'the good old days'.

Ever heard of the Swiss contract children - verdingkinder? Neither had I until seeing this.

It seems that around the world, children have been shuffled about as if no more important than any other basic unit of trade. Even up to the 1970s children were being sent from the UK to Australia in a way not so terribly different. This, along with the emerging stories of physical and sexual abuse within religious institutions, makes me wonder what kind of past people must have had to consider this reasonable? One thing is obvious, that the mis-treatment of children was widespread and considered normal at every level in society.

I wonder what skeletons the previous generation have managed to keep tucked away, to make the last generation think like that?

Last year I resigned

From my part-time job. I've been working 2 days a week (nominally) for another science business doing R&D for their customers. Back in the summer I realised that I was bringing far too much of the writing up and analysis work back, and it was compromising both their work and mine. Combined with the fact that we finished last year with (a little) more money in the bank than we started plus quite a bit of prayer it seemed right that I should resign.

So it should have all finished in December, but with my cold etc I just couldn't make it in for that last week's work and hand-over of all lab books etc. That finally happened today, and although there are bound to be questions etc about things that were done, I am at last free. It was good, and I really liked working with the guys, but there is now a huge weight off my mind, and I can focus on doing some things well instead of watching stuff fall through the gaps from time to time.

This year's aim - to generate enough income that I can start repaying us the money that we used to start things going.

I never used to not post stuff.

If it was worth a thunk & writing down then it was worth posting. Now I'm cautious: how things have changed.

Please don't read this blog today.

Please don't read this blog today. Consider it blacked out as part of the response to SOPA and PIPA in sympathy with our friends across the pond.

What was that I didn't hear you say?

I have been wondering about the things we say and don't say. The title is something I read in an article about outreach, but in this context it's much more to do with how, and particularly what we communicate.

There's more to is than just being either cautious or conservative, although that's also powerful in controlling what we say & keep private. Sometimes there's a fear that we'll gossip, sharing bad things about people not present and unable to defend themselves, and sometimes we'll 'know' something inside and yet find it hard to identify what and why is wrong.

There are things I want to talk about, want to pour out and work through, reach an understanding of and come to terms with, to learn from. Yet I can't, and I am uncertain enough as to whether I'm right to hold back.

I was thinking about this earlier in the context of marriage preparation, while I was out walking & praying a little while ago. When people are prepared for marriage, do those helping them speak frankly and openly about how things really are, or do they speak in ways that suggest possible meanings, yet are ambiguous enough to leave room for interpretation? And what will happen when those who have a badly broken understanding of marriage hear us: they'll nod in agreement, knowing that their expectations have been confirmed by our ambiguous hints.

And here I am, hinting instead of speaking plainly.

Sorry to not be plainer. There's also a small hint of Mark Twain's quote about "better to be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove any doubt".

Need to change interenet usage

With my recent ill-health I've realised I've spent far too much time on the net, and really need to get it back in proportion. I plan to go net-light for a while, re-prioritise, spend time in prayer and generally re-focus instead of wasting time or even having useful discussions with people.

We'll see how it goes.

Ick.

Felt very 'spacey' this morning, icky & migrainous this afternoon. Bluergh.

NEVER delete your original photos

I've collected a lot of images over the last 8 years of digital photography, using a variety of increasingly acceptable cameras, processing them using software that has improved enormously over the years. At times I have given in to encouragement to delete the original images for taking up space (and I'm sure I lost some in a HDD crash some years back). For whatever reason, many original images are no longer available to me.

This is a big deal because I would really like to go back and re-work some of those pictures, saving them as larger files for printing, straightening horizons and verticals and generally cleaning them up now I have both the tools and experience to do a better job. Sadly, for many, it's too late.

So let me encourage you - NEVER delete the excess images you have on your hard drive - you never know whether you'll need them again.

Cold still here

Head fuzzy, though face hurting less as the sinuses have mostly drained.

Worst now is the cough - my father used to cough terribly, even to the point of sickness as I remember from being small, but it passed me by until I was in my late 30s. Guess it's good that I've managed to push it back 10+ years, and hopefully Ben will do the same again or better.

The other thing that's a drag about this is lack of sleep. We were out last night for a PCC meeting, got home before 10, watched an episode of star trek next gen, then went to bed. after 2-3 min gentle snores from next to me. I saw 12.30 go by, eventually sleeping, but waking for Ben getting up at around 4.40am (starts work @ 6) and drifting in & out. The last few nights have been like that too, not sleeping well, and I think I'll be on the settee again tonight to help sinus drainage.

Meh, as they say.

I miss the city in the spring.

While preparing breakfast I was thinking about Paris, springtime and the way a city is so nice. Out in the country the air is usually cold, ground still muddy from winter rain, but in the town the air feels pleasantly cool and there are parks to walk around in. I have memories from all kinds of places in the spring, and the city is one of my favourite places in that season.

Well should I stay or should I go?

Not stop blogging, but should I give this site a facelift?

I'm no luddite, but I also don't appreciate change for changes sake, and as far as I am concerned the basic presentation of this blog has been entirely function as a place to present thoughts, ideas and images to the world. Some blogs seem to change more often than a child would voluntarily change their underwear, seldom actually being better for it.

However times change and new devices come along. It's not the most friendly place for the silly widdy screens on smartphones and even laptops, and although I did do some design work that got left on the back burner because it didn't make things better, it's more or less been unchanged since the first 6 months. So this begs the question - should this little haven of sense and stability leave port and risk being tossed on a stormy sea of alteration or does it still work OK for everyone? What, particularly, would you like improved?

C'mon you lurkers - this is your chance!

The cold is back.

Apparently it enjoyed the Christmas break and, now the holiday is over, has come back to 'work' in my lungs and head. Would like to curl up in a ball and sleep this morning. Maybe that would make up for the last 3 nights.

A new year - a new start?

I wasn't thinking for me, so much, but for the church.

Without wanting to discuss details particularly, Sunday in church left me with a sense of lightness, of how that was how church was meant to be. This is probably the first time I've felt that since we became part of Heyford park - an awareness of the church being family a little, just like Bicester Community Church was family. Chris seemed to feel the same lightness.

It's really important not to read too much into this, but I do very much hope it will continue. Situations change, but God is always there in them, and we do have a hope for the future.

How cool is this cat?

There was a knock at the door this morning

"Who can this be" we thought. Turns out to have been the postman, with a parcel too big for the letter box.



Hello, a box from Canada, but we didn't order any presents from Canada. Ah, there's a name I recognise.



Biscuits?



And a card.



All home-made. Thank you so much - I hope it's more blessed to give than receive, because this made my morning. And we might get a chance to share on Saturday.

Today is a day for new things

In this case, new clothes, and new exercise.

Well, the exercise isn't that new, but it seems that I've been so unwell the last couple of weeks that I haven't got much strength or stamina left, and need to rebuild again. That has been a familiar pattern over the last 10 years - enter autumn reasonably fit and strong, hit by lurgy, collapse in heap, gradually rebuild in the spring and summer. Rinse, repeat.

10 years ago I'd have been out on a boxing day mountain bike ride, but today I have to make do with walking gently round the damp & muddy local countryside. And I'm grateful I can. The 'new' bit from the title is a nice new Berghaus walking jacket, heavily marked down & arriving courtesy of my mum. I also had a surprise from Ben - walking trousers (feels like neoprene) with built in gaiters. Just a touch large in my present slim state, but I'm sure that will sort itself out soon.

TTFN.

p.s. lets see what endomondo makes of it all.

Christmas eve.

The tree is up, food (mostly) prep'd - last night Chris told me I smelled of Strawberry jelly.

I'm at that funny in-between place, where I'm waiting, not able to start, but not really able to do other stuff either. Glad the cold is mostly on it's way out now and strength is returning so that I can participate without coughing up a lung. It's still hard to hear speech and translate it into meaning, but that's as much a head as an ear thing.

Next to me on the settee I have a sleeping wife & a snoring cat, the cat making more noise than the wife! Afternoon naps are a basic human right in our household.

And so I have a prezzie or 2 to wrap still, in the peaceful gap. Hope she likes it (in particular) in white gold, rather than silver. We'll find out in less than 24 hours.

Christmas is an odd time.

I don't know really how to make it mean anything. It's not like a birthday celebration because there's all kinds of odd traditional stuff that's all about us wrapped up with it. And it's not like celebrating a birth because Jesus is here with me all the time, so He's not being born fresh again each year.

As a child, it was a time where you went along with parents to visit aged rellies,
usually living in coal heated houses so that the living room was roasting hot, hallway icy cold. My brother & I would crawl around warming up & cooling off, playing round the different floor layouts & unfamiliar furniture. Later there were church events we'd take part in, & family parties each with their own variety of funny games: passing scissors crossed & uncrossed, squeak piggy squeak etc. The childrens parties were more like a competitive sports session, always with games that one could never win, and the kind of food that old people imagined children liked to eat.

Later, it was an opportunity to acquire the things one could not be patient enough to save for, and later still, a time of hoping to 'get off with someone' while they were susceptible/charitable/careless (only worked once, did not work out well). Then came knowing Jesus, and Christmas stopped really meaning anything much.

Once again, as with so many other things we do, I'm reasonably convinced it's all about us, and only a little about Hm at best. I enjoy the celebration - no longer a radical that wants to ban Christmas - but it's still a strange thing for me because it distinctly doesn't do what it says on the wrapper. For years Christmas was valid as an outreach opportunity and a few days break after all the hard work at the mid-point of winter. Now... I dunno.

Maybe we need grandchildren to validate it now? AFAIK not too much chance of that for a bit (I hope!) so we'll have to carry on, just getting older, walking through it and trying to enjoy it for what it might be.