It's not enough to say I hate it.

Last night I posted about music for the pop-idol X factor generation as a response to music I’d needed to listen to for a local event. That post was a highly moderation version of the anguish I’d felt as a result of listening, and I spent a night of restlessness, discomfort and turmoil afterward. The songs together produce a quite literal desire to go and hang myself, almost certainly as a result of the hopelessness and desperation pent up in them.

Unlike some, I don’t seem to have grace/good sense to always push into God when I feel like that, but I wonder if God is trying to talk to me out of it.

I think God is trying to show me the misery and sheer hopelessness felt by the current generation: if that was the case, I caught the full impact. The music I had as a teen was a mixture, some arising from fear, some from depression, some from fun, some from lust, but always a mixture that usually left you with a measure of energy or a grin. This music (with a couple of exceptions) is the music of a generation that has lost a sense of musicality in music, a sense of purpose and a joy in life. It’s about desperation and isolation and the awful quality of vocals and emotions really express the depth of that.

It’s easy, having been very selective about the music I listen to and the inputs I receive to keep all that desperation at arms length. I recognise it and know it for what it is, but will not usually receive it. This delivered a blow full force, and even now, due to meet potential clients/employers in 10 min, I can still feel the effects.

No wonder the world is a mess (not to mention the Christians dabbling in it) if they are continually taking this on board. Sure, they’ll get toughened to it, but at what emotional and moral price.

I need to keep remembering why I’m doing what I’m doing (obedience) and the hopeful outcome. I just hope I can do it in a good spirit and with a right heart.

(Written about 10.50 am, getting ready to go discuss working for another company).