Chris had a really good description

..... that she used to describe herself (applies to me too) at church. "Like a violin in a brass band".

We don't fit, and we can see as well as feel that we don't fit. We aren't like anyone else there, we don't relate to others with the same easy relationships and culturally speaking we seem worlds apart. Even those with whom we initially seemed to mesh, we now find are actually deeply and fundamentally different in their world view and attitudes. There's a danger that we are going to become increasingly isolated and isolationist, serving the practical needs, but withdrawing our hearts and personalities out of preservation.

What's the way forward?

A part of me can see a role. There those we might work with who also don't fit the present model but rub along in it with varying degrees of comfort. We might be more pro-active in developing those relationships that might work instead of wondering why those that don't haven't really worked out. I think we're feeling tired with it all, bruised a bit and struggling with our desire to get out of the stream of cold water that's chilling our bodies. But I also feel a check on the proactive side, because it's not our way to push ourselves forward, to work in a way that's a little political, to take leads (rather than be given them).

I think we're still wondering what we're doing here.

We can both see the church is changing and has grown, and I do believe that we've been a part of that; not all by any means, but I certainly think we've made a difference, tipped a balance. But there's this think of being fiddles in a brass band still there. The obvious thing would be to surround ourselves with people who are like us, build a community within a community, but that's been done here in the past, is still happening now, and is part of the problem rather than part of the answer.

For me, the last couple of weeks have been better on the depression front. I've been getting up early to pray, to push back into God and try to humble myself, and

And what? I stopped to think "and what"? On one level nothing is changed, we're not getting fed like we weren't getting fed before, all the relationship issues are still there, but I seem to be coping with them better than I was. There's nothing *wrong* - we can just live our lives like anyone else away from the church, just go along for meetings, smile and do the How Are You/Good/And You thing. But that's not what church means for us.

And at the bottom of it all, I hate being powerless, tossed around by other people's wishes, thoughts, moods, decisions, choices, wants and wishes. It's very difficult to take a stand and say "I am trusting that you will work things out for me, Lord, in YOUR church" when you hear people say "this is mine".

Obviously we are not the robust people I'd fooled myself into thinking we were. I also think God IS doing something deep inside. Whether I'll be grateful for it happening like this is another matter, as I'm not one of those people who are grateful for the pain of beating their head on a brick wall, all to experience the joy of stopping. But like we said after Sarah died, we need lots of good things to come out of this. Likewise, if we're going to have a miserable time (and God knows, it has been miserable) then I really hope lots of good stuff is going to come out.