After being back just 5 days, I've already slept badly 4 1/2 of them. Going back to church has left me feeling quite depressed, and it's only God having spoken so clearly that made me come back - Sunday morning in the car I just really wanted to drive right on by.
For a variety of reasons I'm certain this is spiritual in origin, even though it's playing on some aspects of reality. We've (me especially) been through a time of pruning that's left me feeling raw and bleeding, and we've gone from being part of a family back to (mostly) meeting-based relationships. But this just comes on at the right times to make me either ineffective or full of mistrust and doubts, and it's far too predictable to be anything but co-incidence.
So what to do?
Sometimes God just breaks in for me, and sometimes I just have to push through. There are times when I'd much rather hide, so I'll do stuff like clean up or put things away - stuff I can do without actually having to face anyone but Chris. I don't trust myself to speak to other people at times like this, and also have to be careful not to blog.
We're really looking for ways we can be effective. I have no doubt about our calling here, and our general purpose, but it's how to work out the daily stuff I struggle with. It's difficult to step back and strategically plan how to serve and build people up, rather than simply going along and doing meetings.
This is funny - it's not at all what I'd planned to post. Ho hum.